Everyone knows that sports have douchebags (A-Rod, Canseco, Bonds, et al.), but what about douchebags that have sports? This list represents bad ideas, failed attempts at reviving childhood activities, and sheer retardedness. These “sports” can, and will, make you a douche. If you plan on partaking, don’t forget to pop your collar so the rest of the general public can avoid you at all costs.
Just remember, just because a hot chick looks good doing it doesn’t mean you will.
Dear adoring Beer Pong fans, they already invented something that involves drinking copious amounts of beer – drinking copious amounts of beer. If you need a game to tell you to drink one sip of Keystone Light you aren’t a true college student, you’re a douchebag. Leave Bozo buckets where it belongs, in your childhood.
With a name like cornhole, this should be pretty self-explanatory. In case it’s not, here’s the breakdown. Bags, baggo, cornhole, tailgate toss is now apparently the game du jour of any place that serves alcohol. The only way you could look like a bigger douche is if you were playing hacky sack. Or if your socks matched your cornhole.
Where do rowers get off calling their sport crew just because it involves multiple people? Hey guys, they have a name for people who do the same sport together – it’s called a team. It’s a boat and you’re rowing, how is that a sport? Is it really so complicated that you had to go and invent complicated sounding bullshit words like coxswain and scull? You guys probably all wear Polos when you “crew” too.
Who plays Golden Tee? That guy. That guy plays Golden Tee. Apparently $0.25 a hole was all he could afford. If you’re going to play video games while drinking, there had better be a plastic instrument involved.
Sports should, by default, involve no more than two pieces of mandatory equipment to play. Basketball, football, and baseball all adhere to these rules – which is why they’re popular. By the time you finish the setup for croquet you’re four beers deep and you just want to pop your collar and rock some bozo buckets. Also, your gramma plays croquet. Croquet is only good for one thing, providing you with mallets to use as weapons against zombies.
Sporting this t-shirt oxford bastard child has become a status symbol for pure douchebaggery. As if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s a sport too. A sport that involved croquet… and horses. You know increases the douchebag factor of anything? Doing it on a horse that isn’t gasoline powered.
Here’s a great idea – Let’s get 12-20lb marbles and roll them down polished wood to knock over a bunch of pins. Then we can institute some arbitrary, confusing scoring system to just to prove who is a bigger douche. Oh yeah, you can play it in the dark with strobe lights and luminescence too! Raving is more of a sport than bowling.
Not since your pet rock collection have you paid this much attention to (or polished for that matter) a piece of the Earth. (Don’t worry, your anti-green status is safe with us.) What do you get when you combine figure skating, brooms, and shuffleboard? Nothing worthy of being in the Olympics.
At least skeet shooting involves guns so it demands some amount of respect. Bows and arrows? Are you five? This is why man invented the gun. If you aren’t using your craft project to kill animals (Ted Nugent is of course excluded), you’re just 100% Grade A douche.
Anything Involving Dave Matthews Band
Finally, the catchall. If you are doing anything worth doing (sports or otherwise), it will be far too entertaining for Dave Matthews Band. Make sure that The Space Between you and Dave Matthews Band is a big one.