In a world of gastronomic feats and frou-frou dishes no bigger than two bites, the humble burger is a testament to no-bullshit, delicious food. In a way, it’s kinda like Anthony Bourdain, a man who eschews the pomp and circumstance some inject into their meals in favor of honesty. Here everyone’s favorite author/chef/personality breaks down the secrets to a good burger. We won’t give them all away but we will tell you that—shocker!—you should probably stop fucking with crazy toppings.

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