When people purchase apps for their phones, they’re usually hard-pressed to find one that’s more than five or ten bucks. And if we’re spending more money than that on our phones, then you bet your ass we expect something incredible. It better prepare our taxes, cook for us, and walk the dog outside for a walk, all at the same time. But, lo and behold, people love overpaying for things, so there are apps out there that cost an arm and a leg. Some of them are practical and even a little cool, while others leave us baffled. Either way, here are the 9 most expensive phone apps you would probably never buy for your phone.
Boffo Fun Time Game Pax 2
This game is notoriously shitty, and like everyone who investigates the most expensive apps that money can buy, we’re stunned by its price tag. Boffo Fun Time Game Pax 2 is a poorly designed four-pack of games that are neither cleverly titled nor fun to play. For the low, low price of $299.99, you can punch clowns, play pachinko, eat worm pellets, and match block patterns. It is just as dumb as you think. It has one review on iTunes, by user name Big Gupta: “Wow! For the price you get a cluster of well done fun. Don’t pass this gem up, there is no hype here!” Big Gupta, we don’t know who you are, but we’re suspicious. $300
Our link below will take you to a page in the Google Play store that probably looks more like the Tiffany’s homepage than anything else. What you’re actually looking at is a page of assorted apps, where for 400 very real dollars, you can purchase very fake gemstones—everything from amethyst and aquamarine, to black diamond, emerald, ruby, and sapphire. Why? Honestly, we don’t know.
The description on each of the gemstones says: “Are you rich and successful? You want to buy expensive app just because you can? Maybe you want to impress your poor friends? Show them widget that they do not own and never will.”
We’re not kidding. This is a real thing. $400. Each.
Most Expensive Android Widget
Never in our lives have we been more befuddled by a single piece of digital technology. The “Most Expensive Android Widget” app will cost you a crisp 400 bucks, but like Abu Moo, will do literally nothing for you. In fact, it says that in its description: “This app is the most expensive one on Google Play. It does nothing, except showing an amazing diamond on your device’s display. Show everybody that you’re the richest.”
So, if you have an extra 400 bucks lying around and don’t want to spend your money on practical things like motorcycles, guns, or whiskey, feel free to give this bad boy a whirl. $400
The VIP Black app will cost you a pretty penny, but what can you expect from an app that bills itself as “The Millionaire’s App?” Created by the folks at iVIP Ltd, the VIP Black app requires each and every “prospective member” to verify that they have a net worth of at least £1,000,000 before being given access to the app. Yes, you have to spend $1,000 on the app and prove that you’re a fucking millionaire before you even have the privilege of using it. And with that exchange rate, you could be an American millionaire and still not qualify for this thing.
Upon verification, members receive exclusive access to all of iVIP Ltd’s network of vendors and brand partners—hotel and apartment recommendations, priority access to certain events, a members-only concierge, help booking private yachts and jets, and more. $1000
CyberTuner is a uniquely named digital piano tuner. That’s right—an app that costs $1,000, dedicated solely to helping you tune your dead grandmother’s baby grand. And just in case you were wondering why in Heaven’s fuck this thing costs as much as it does, rest assured, they’ve priced it accordingly: “This is a professional piano technicians’ tuning tool and is priced accordingly.”
Phew! Well then, in that case, take our money! $1000
Vuvuzela World Cup Horn Plus
And here’s a fuckin’ 200-dollar vuvuzela horn sound. $200
SafeSession Voice Encryption
Finally, an app on this list whose premise isn’t absolutely ridiculous. SafeSession Voice Encryption has one goal—protect the privacy of your phone calls at all times. The $300 price tag might seem a little steep for most of us out there, but for those who absolutely must have secured private communications, it’s a small price to pay. Although, it’s important for us to note that even though the service does work, you can’t use it between two devices if both the caller and receiver don’t have SafeSession. Additionally, you could just download Signal, which does the same thing for free. Then again, we’re not here to tell you how to spend—or keep—your money! $300
Sometimes, adults choose to participate in intramural sports leagues like soccer, hockey, and basketball. We understand that part. What we can’t, for the life of us, understand is how anyone in their right mind would ever dump a thousand dollars into an app that’ll help you track your flag football stats. Nevertheless, that’s exactly what you can expect from QSFFStats, an app available on iTunes that that looks like it was probably made in the early 2000’s by someone who coded with one hand tied behind their back. We just… We don’t get it, guys. Don’t paper notebooks work the same? $1000
Zollinger’s Atlas of Surgery
Here’s another gem. Why go to the doctor when you can just whip out your digital-only version of Zollinger’s Atlas of Surgery? No, we’re not kidding. For $250, you can have an entire do-it-yourself guide that’s considered, “the gold-standard reference for learning how to perform the most common surgical procedures using safe, well-established techniques.” The book contains over 1600 color-highlighted illustrations for over 230 procedures, all for the amateur at-home surgeon. Fuck it. Hold our beer, we’re going in! $250