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The Roundup

Weaponizing Alcohol

Weaponizing Alcohol


Baseball is not America’s pastime, you were lied to. America has many pastimes, the most important of which are: alcohol, tobacco, and firearms (Why else would we form another three letter agency to protect them?). That, and hot chicks (see above). Americans treasure few things above their spirits, gunpowder, and (wacky) tobacco.

Given that, what would happen if someone were to combine two of the previously mentioned pastimes? (No, not cricket, the sports metaphor is so three sentences ago.) For starters, you can stop ordering “Vodka Red Bull” at the bar because, let’s face it, Sniper Pussy sounds a whole hell of a lot cooler. How about Red Army Blood? (Mere days before it’s available in clubs)

Worst case scenario, you end up with a cool looking bottle you can fill with your water/highlighter concoction and put a blacklight behind.

[Note: Yes, those hot chicks have a bottle of Skol. No, you should not drink Skol. And no, they will (probably) not sleep with you.  However, there’s no harm in taking a shot at them… with better vodka.]


Vodka Kalashnikov (However it’s spelled in Russian) – $133

In the great words of Nic Cage, “After the Cold War, the AK-47 became Russia’s biggest export. After that came vodka, caviar, and suicidal novelists.” Apparently someone in Russia was paying attention in their business strategy class because they have now streamlined exports. It’s an AK47 shaped bottle, it’s filled with 84-proof vodka, each bottle is individually numbered (with included dog tag!), and it comes in an arms dealer certified wooden gun crate.


Sniper Vodka – $50

The only experience most of us have with “sniping” is limited to the last piece of pizza, the last beer, and the last Bourne movie. Apparently, sniping is less of a one-off experience than we thought, and should be performed with an AK47. Unfortunately for Sniper, Kalashnikov made a better looking bottle, but this one has camo stickers and a leather sling.

Yes, the sling is functional, and yes, walking around with a vodka rifle and shooting people in the mouth (with liquor of course) is awesome. There’s no reason for the deer picture (DeNiro maybe?) and, honestly, the vodka tastes like lighter fluid. So why buy it? Were you not paying attention? It has a WORKING leather sling!


Tommy Gun Vodka – $60

Ah, the Roaring 20’s – Prohibition, bootlegging, and flappers galore. Did you know the first full decade that prohibition was law was the highest period of alcohol consumption in American history? Was it just because alcohol was illegal? Maybe, but I like to think it’s because they were shooting for a higher quality product. Unfortunately (depending on perspective), health code violations have forced Al Capone enterprises to stop producing Tommy Gun vodka in bathtubs, so you will have to add your own acidic flavors.



Red Army Vodka – $30

‘Nuff said. Russians know what’s up when it comes to vodka, can’t argue with that.  Automatic weapons not your thing? Don’t worry, alcoholic capitalists the world over have you covered.


Elite Sword & Scabbard Vodka – $100

Each bottle and scabbard is individually produced so products may vary slightly from the grain(alcohol)y picture you see above. What will not change is the thirty inch length (That’s two and a half feet for you mathematicians out there.) of the bottle. Even John Holmes is envious.


Crystal Head Vodka – $50

Wait, wait, wait! I’ve always wanted to do this… Who ya gonna call? Dr. Ray Stantz is a fictional character people, you can’t call him. Call Dan Akroyd! Based on the 13 mythical crystal skulls (The day Shia LaBeouf makes his own vodka is the day I stop drinking), this is an ultra-premium-super-mega-high-end (just like all the others) vodka that the one, the only, Dan Akroyd is reppin’ as of late. Does it give it street cred? Not really, but the bottle is damn good lookin’ and the vodka itself tastes good.