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The Roundup

Good Cops Gone Dbag

Good Cops Gone Dbag


Maybe they always had it in them; or maybe they just listened to too much Cobra Starship. Whatever the reason, these badass “instruments of the law” have crossed from Protect and Serve to serious douchebag (Holly Madison excluded of course). Even Machiavelli wouldn’t be able to stomach half the shit that these gentlemen consider just another day at the office.


Alonzo Harris – Training Day

King Kong ain’t got shit on Alonzo Harris. Then again, King Kong also didn’t get shot in the ass. Alonzo Harris will run your ass down and punch you in the throat. Get on his bad side and he’ll take away one of your nuts, but at least he’s nice enough to let you choose.  Get on his good side and he’ll just make you smoke dope laced with PCP and then deny all knowledge. His special skills include hitting on Latinas from across the street, wearing leather, and wicked facial hair.

Fatality: Nut Buster


Colin Sullivan – The Departed

Boom! Headshot! Colin Sullivan is a cold-blooded, ruthless douchebag; don’t let that magic smile of his fool you. He’ll infiltrate your organization like it’s his job, rise up the ranks, and then throw your ass off a building. That’s right, he threw Martin Sheen, fictional ex-president of the United States off of a building. (He’s a cunning mastermind, so he gets credit for the hit.) His special skills include hide-and-seek, anything involving face-shots (he plays both side), and getting made fun of by Mark Wahlberg.

Fatality: Roof Dive


Vic Mackey – The Shield

Vic Mackey will fuck you up, plain and simple. Someone pees in his Kool Aid on a weekly basis because this dbag has a score to settle. He’ll murder his friends, sleep with sister, and then set your ass on fire with gasoline. “For your sake, I hope you know the rules of the game.” First rule of Vic Mackey’s “game” – Vic Mackey always wins. Why does he always win?

Cause he says so. His special skills include throwing chairs, head glare, and sweating.

Fatality: Crotch Grenade


Dexter Morgan – Dexter

Yeah, he only kills bad people…for now. What happens when someone cuts him off while smoking a cigarette, talking on their cell phone, and drinking their non-fat no-whip double mocha soy chai latte? Scalpel, that’s what happens. He’s on the list because he’s a cutter, and even though he isn’t technically a cop, he works for the Police. It counts. Dexter’s special skills include flossing, playing with long plastic cylindrical toys, and science.

Fatality: Disembowelment


Jimmy McNulty – The Wire

Right now, you’re thinking to yourself “Jimmy McNulty isn’t a dbag, why is he on this list?” You know that one person you work with that lives to make everyone’s life a living hell? Voila – Jimmy McNulty. He’s a douche because he just can’t leave well enough alone and everyone suffers for it. He specializes in paperwork, the eyebrow raise, and being on a boat (He’s on a boat!).

Fatality: Papercuts


Jack Bauer – 24

Jack Bauer is riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma – unless he’s facing one of his twelve daily ticking time bombs. If that happens to be the case, and you are in ANY way responsible, you’re already dead. Jack Bauer likes killing shit.

He doesn’t know the meaning of the word “line” and will kill anyone without a second thought. You see that face? You think Jack Bauer’s daughter Kim (Elisha Cuthbert is reason enough to watch the show) just died? Nein, he missed kill shot number 400. He specializes in killing, more killing, wearing a suit, even more killing, and scissor kicks…of death.

Fatality: Does it have a trigger? Yeah, you’re dead.

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