When you’re a kid, you can get away with certain things. You can walk around outside in your underwear. You can spill spaghetti all over yourself, and not give a single shit about walking around in front of company. You can… Well, we have two words for you: Velcro sneakers. When you’re a kid, life is good. But as we age, things only get more difficult. “Shower Day” becomes every day, grooming becomes a constant necessity, and Velcro turns to laces. And when you hit certain age brackets, some things become downright unacceptable. Here are 10 fashion items no respectable 30-year-old man should wear.
Our first point here was not to wear denim shorts below the knee, but then we got to thinking: denim shorts above the knee are just as atrocious. So we’ll stick to leaving denim shorts out of the equation entirely. If shorts are on the menu, keep them classic-fitted, straight and above the knee. Don’t be afraid to show some thigh!
There was a time in men’s fashion—let’s call it “The Dark Times”—when G-Shock watches were all the rage. Teens and young men from all walks of life, of all different shapes and sizes, would fork over cash by the fistful to own their rubberized, digitized, tacky piece of street cred. You’re older and wiser now, so leave these timepieces back in time.
We all recall the days spent standing around in the backyard (front yard, too!), BBQ’ing with your buds, heading down to the stadium for a game, pounding cheap beers, and having a good ol’ time. Your caps were backwards, and your future was forwards. But now the future isn’t so far away, and that’s nothing to be afraid about. Age isn’t about a number, but about one’s elegance (or lack thereof). Your days of pounding PBR’s with the bro’s and eating half-cooked burger in the yard are over. Turn your hat around and face the world like the man you are!
By “gym socks,” we mean every athletic-style sock, white or black, any length (yes, this includes ankle socks). Being well dressed doesn’t end with a solid button-down shirt and a haircut; it involves every aspect of your physical appearance, from your head to your toes. That includes your socks. Invest in some solid socks that’ll match your outfits—greys, blues, browns, blacks, etc.
“Clunky” is the operative word in the above sentiment. Classic Vans, Nike SB’s and other brands like them are casual classics, and are as acceptable as boat shoes—in most circumstances. But those big awkward Etnies you use to think were the shit? The Globes and the Osiris’ and those clunky-ass gum-soled skateboard shoes? Unless your crushing gaps or burning handrails all day, leave ‘em at Zumies with the mallrats and slouch beanies.
In your 20s, you cared about how you looked, if only for vanity’s sake. You stayed clean and well kempt, and you took care of your body. Things change in your 30s. No one says you have to blow up like a blimp and throw personal grooming in the trash, but deep v’s are for bare-chested surfers and fist-pumping bro’s. Your 30s should be about modesty and classic handsome.
No one is saying your pants need to fit you like a pair of spanx, but saggy jeans are the most unnecessary and unattractive thing a man can do to himself. They’re about as relevant to modern men’s fashion as high-top fades and Venetian-blind sunglasses. Get yourself a pair of good old-fashioned straight legs or even relaxed fit jeans and call it a day. Leave your JNCO’s in the 90s with Third Eye Blind and padlock chokers.
Our parents always taught us that good footwear—boots, running shoes, cleats, sneakers—are a valuable investment; that a good pair of shoes will take care of you for a long, long time. And the same can be said for a good tailored suit or tuxedo. Thirty is a wild time, filled with marriages, and children, and all types of special occasions. And unless you start binging on Raisinets and beer, you probably won’t experience any random growth spurts in the near future. A good tailored suit and tux are essential pieces of wardrobe for any man in the 30-and-up club.
No, bro, we won’t vote for Pedro. Oh, you <3 New York? That’s cool! Thanks for sharing. Graphic tees are pretty lame at any point in a man’s life, but they’re downright unacceptable in your 30s. Knock it off.
Your 20s were all about freedom and tossing caution to the wind. But your 30s should be all about taking care of yourself and your assets, living healthily and keeping everything together. Aside from looking better, briefs and boxer briefs feel better than scrunched up boxers do. Say goodbye to wedgies and hello to the comfort and support you never knew you needed.