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Awkward wedding speeches are up there in the pantheon of embarrassing moments we wish we could either take back or un-hear. We’ve all witnessed them, or worse, delivered them: sordid tales of exes, drunk apologies, and painful attempts at profundity that took off like a deflating party balloon. We can’t undo the past, but you can save yourselves. Now, you can hire Tinseltown Toasts, a crack team of award-winning Hollywood screenwriters to save your sad bacon on wedding day, whether it’s your own or someone else’s. They boast such accolades as two Golden Globe nominations, a Writer’s Guild Award nomination, and a GLAAD nomination. Each speech, vow, or toast is custom-written for you after the team interviews you and will send you drafts after assessing your relationship with the honoree, bride, groom, whatever have you. And they’re not limited to weddings but will also write eulogies, roasts, and even craft the perfect set of words to end a relationship, making the line, “breakin’ up is hard to do” the best kind of falsity.

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One of the most popular New Year’s resolutions is to get fit and healthy. Stick with it this year and jump start the new you with CLMBR, the most efficient cardio and strength machine. CLMBR engages over 86% of your body’s muscles for a full-body, low impact and high intensity workout that burns 60% more calories than cycling, rowing, biking and running. Even better, CLMBR puts you face-to-face with top fitness instructors, leading you through a wide variety of fitness classes from the comfort of your home. Pre-order your CLMBR today at the lowest ever introductory pricing.