We don’t expect you to buy anything on this list. This is a list of things we can gape at with open mouths since no one in their right minds would look at something with that many numbers after the dollar sign and think, “Yes, this is an acceptable price point for me, especially on this product I’ve deemed a necessity.” We’re all in on this, so let’s stare in incredulous wonder at what the super rich are buying for each other while being thankful our lives don’t approach that insanity.
EMC Time Hunter
It’s unclear what this watch does beyond tell time and we’re chalking that up to a poor translation. You’d think they could afford someone with more bilingual experience than someone who learned English by holding a glass up to the door of a YMCA’s volunteer ESL program. That, or we’re so poor we’ve never been in a situation where we needed to know what “haute horlogerie,” “mechanical exception,” or “chronometric performance” meant.
For the money they’re charging for this thing, we better be able to get some Clockstoppers action going on, because otherwise, we just sold our house to know it’s three in the afternoon. No appointment in anyone’s life, ever, in the history of human civilization, has ever been so important that we needed to trade ten years of food for punctuality.
The watch rubs its precision and amplitude all over our faces like we’re supposed to know what those mean. It talks about movements and individual daily rhythms like those are going to change whether or not we show up on time for the dentist. The only real adjustments we need on a watch is tightening or loosening the strap and making sure we’re within an hour of the right time. This watch transcends pretentious rich jerks and approaches arbitrary words that make money feel better when you spend it. For every person who buys one of these, someone’s student loans should disappear.
MDK9 Dog Haus
Dog’s are great. There’s no question there. They’re always happy to see you, they bark at stuff that might hurt you, and they chase squeaky toys. They’re even considerate enough to roll in stuff they like so you can smell it too. But no dog has ever been worth this. For the money you put down on RAH: Design’s dog house, you could rent yourself a mid-range apartment for a few months, then let your dog live with you in that.
The house is made with the same materials and techniques as modern homes, but we’d also like to bring up that, with a hundred bucks and a quick car ride, you could make your own dog house. Then, for free, you can grab an old pillow and throw it inside, because remember, who gives a shit, definitely not the dog. Bonus, with the money left over, you could feed your family for a day.
It might be a bit reductionist to say, but that’s exactly what this is a box for dogs. No matter how special you think your dog is, he/she doesn’t notice how nice a box you gave it to sleep in. This is an animal that, given its choice of activities, will, no matter how rich its owner is, eat poop and rub its butt on the carpet.
If you want to treat your dog well, take the same amount of money, rent out your local steakhouse, and let the dog eat at the table. Eating the same meal as you is the kind of special treatment it will actually notice. $3,650
The Emperor XT
The Emperor XT is a sort of futuristic capsule of a work environment where everything is designed like the turret positions in the Millennium Falcon. Your monitors are secured to an arm that hangs over your ergonomically designed chair and tables, speakers are built into the capsule based on the layout you pick when you first design your Emperor, and LED lights come out of everything. Everything about it is customizable, so if you don’t like the all black display model, just change it. You can make it as gaudy or low key as you want.
The price goes up or down depending on what you include, often with very little explanation or reasoning. For example, our base price is $5305 and adding surround sound can run you between four and twenty four hundred dollars. Audio makes sense as something that’ll be expensive, but changing the color of the support system has the potential to add about $1,300, which is a crazy amount of money to pay just to sit in a Marina Blue chair instead of a black one. The level of customization available is excellent, but by the time you have a chair you want to sit in, you might as well have put all of that into a home office renovation. $5,305+
DJI Phantom 4 Camera Drone – Gold Edition
Did you know there are a whole bunch of practical things we could do with gold? You could use it for dental care, like we have for 3,000 years. Or you could use it as a conductor in computer components or cell phones. It’s also used in the form of gold salts to treat arthritis by reducing swelling, bone damage, and pain. If you’re really ambitious, you could use it to help insulate and protect space craft. Or you could stick it to a drone.
DJI took a Phantom 4 and coated it in 24 karat gold leaf. Everything about the drone is completely and utterly the same, only now it’s shiny. The camera isn’t any better, there’s no boost to the obstacle avoidance or battery life, and it doesn’t fly any higher or faster. It’s literally just shinier.
It’s supposedly “the ultimate status symbol for the gadget-lover who wants something more bespoke,” which makes us think Drones Direct manager Tim Morley doesn’t know what “bespoke” means. So we’re all clear, bespoke means something closer to custom order, not “a child’s idea of having lots of money.” This is what the kid from Blank Check would buy if he found himself on the modern internet.
Closing argument here, isn’t the point of drones to be far away? When would you even have the chance to show this off. If it’s doing its job, then the thing’s hundreds if not thousands of meters away and the people seeing it don’t know who’s actually flying it, just that they make terrible financial decisions.
Here’s a bit of free advice. Buy a regular Phantom 4, then take your remaining $22,300 and buy 17 oz of gold, at roughly $1,287 an ounce (as of this writing). People would be way more impressed if you showed them a literal fistful of gold. $24,000
The Submarine Sports Car
Separating rich people from their money is kind of Hammacher Schlemmer’s thing. No one walks out of their store and says, “Oh man, that was a steal.” Or, if they do, they’re middle class, coming out of a blackout, and just realized they spent a mind-imploding amount of money on a giant labyrinth orb.
Case in point, the Submarine Sports Car. On the surface, pun intended, it sounds like the pinnacle of cool. It’s a car modeled after the Lotus James Bond drives in The Spy Who Loved Me, it actually delivers on its maritime claims, it’s all electric, and it has scuba equipment built in. Then you actually get it underwater and you realize you just dropped two million bucks on an underwater paperweight.
Topside, the car hits a top speed of 75 mph. You’re not breaking any land speed records, but you’re not losing a drag race to a minivan either. Underwater, the car hits a vertigo inducing 2 knots. We didn’t know what that converted to, but when we found out, any Bond reputation there was in this car when we started evaporated. Two knots is 2.3 mph. The average walking speed is 3.1 mph. A group of toddlers in a swimming lesson would cover more ground than putting this submarine’s pedal to the metal. $2,000,000
The Robotic Bartender
We’re sticking with Hammacher Schlemmer for a little, but we’ll try to be a little friendlier about this one, since this is one purchase we totally understand. The robotic bartender is the grown up version of that new type of touch screen soda fountain that have been popping up in restaurants of varying repute. It mixes cocktails based on established recipes and user designated customizations.
This is where we sympathize with rich people, since we all want cocktails but don’t always feel like putting the time in to make them. It used to be that a loyal manservant would be there to mix whatever you fancied, but indentured servitude has gone out of fashion somewhat, so the rich have to take advantage of whatever form of serfdom is available.
It can hold 16 750mL bottles of whatever alcohol you stock it with along with 12 mixers, so it’s not like you’re limited to three cocktails with two ingredients each. Stock it right and you can get shitfaced on old fashioneds at the touch of a button. Or you can stick your head under the nozzle and have the drinks injected directly into your mouth. You know, like an adult. $25,000
Cobalt Valkyrie-X Private Plane in Rose Gold
Most people would be satisfied with being given a plane. If someone came to our office tomorrow towing a beat up little Cessna and said it was ours no strings attached, our only complaint would be that it didn’t come today. But it seems the super rich can’t just own planes, they have to own gold plated planes.
The Cobalt Valkyrie-X is the kind of plane you pack full of manservants and bury in a pharaoh’s tomb. If it were around four hundred years ago, members of the inbred European royalty would be buying each other as peace offerings during those six years the continent of Europe wasn’t tearing itself apart. This is the type of plane rich people buy because they want birds to know they’re poor. If Michael Jackson were a plane, he would be this plane.
The whole situation’s made worse by the fact that this is probably a well built vehicle. The cockpit is spacious and goes out of its way to not obscure your view, providing damn near 360 degrees of visibility. It’s clearly made out of quality components and the design is aerodynamically modern. In fact, the version not made for Neiman Marcus is one of the coolest planes we’ve ever seen, with a lowkey black color scheme and a stealth fighter vibe.
But then they shat rose gold all over the thing and made it the tackiest, most ridiculous personal flying vehicle in a world where one of our presidential candidates flies around in a plane named after himself. $1.5 million
So far, everything we’ve included on this list would work really well if you were trying to outfit a Bond villain’s lair. And we already established that the sports car submarine would be a terrible way to travel. This one gives us a slightly better option by being an actual submarine, with an enclosure an actual bubble and everything. It even goes fifty percent faster than the sports car. Granted that’s 3 knots, but at least we’re approaching speeds where we can’t out-limp the vehicle.
There’s the added benefit of being able to take more than one passenger. This is important, because if you tried to take more on the other one, they would die. In this one, no one dies, which is a good sentence to be able to say regardless of the product. It fits five in total and in relative comfort.
You can dive to 200 meters, roughly 650 feet. It is one of the cooler things on the list, mostly because there’s an actual use for it instead of it just being a way to remind poor people they are, in fact, poor. Obviously this isn’t going to be plumbing the depths of the Marianas, but plenty of ships sank in areas this submersible can reach, so you won’t be bored. Price available by request
For whatever reason, boats became the big symbol of wealth. It’s almost like you’re not really rich if you don’t have some fancy monstrosity carting you around on top of the water. This yacht from Quitessence is the result of a joint venture between Aston Martin and Mulder Design. We respect the end result, because it’s unquestionably a beautiful boat and it’s easy to see James Bond going amphibious in one of these, but we have to ask, at what point are we saturated with fancy boats?
It has all the features you’d expect of anything design by Aston Martin, including a champagne cooler in the cockpit, automotive inspired helm, tasteful wood all over the place, lighting that enhances certain features of the yacht, and the iconic Aston Martin emblem. Basically, it’s a boat that if people saw it in movies, they wouldn’t believe it was real. But these are the things rich people buy for each other and they all apparently live in Entourage. No Price Available
Drive a Sherman Easy 8
Of all the things on this list, this is the one we’d buy first. There’s so much history and reputation attached to the Sherman tank model that the opportunity to get our hands on one would be too good to pass up. Sherman tanks are so cool that people who couldn’t care less about history or tanks can’t help but notice this thing. If ever war were to be accidentally made cool, this is the tank to do it.
Not that war is cool, let’s be clear. The literal hell on earth tank operators endured is well documented and we don’t want to sound like we’re ignoring that for the sake of a cool tank. It’s, by far, not a new sentiment and we don’t want to sound cliche, but we should be thankful for the hardships those guys endured in the very same tank we’re driving around like a bunch of teenagers.
The site offers other tank experiences as well. You can choose from a three, four, or five star general package in addition to the Sherman package and they all have the option to run over a car or two. Prices start at $450, but we fully recommend splurging on the Sherman experience. This isn’t the kind of thing you try to save money on. $3,700