Every time we have the “What if you could do anything you wanted?” conversation, it always ends with us saying we’d love to do more traveling. And when we say “traveling,” you know we’re not the “book a cruise and hang out in port all week” kind of people. We’re the “drop us off with a backpack and a pair of walking shoes and let us wander” kind, whether that’s through civilized Europe or somewhere a little wilder. It’s easy to say we want a camper for the weekend hikes or camping trips we often take, but what if we were obscenely rich? The kind of rich where we eat meat from other planets and furnish our castles with Panda skin rugs and conflict diamond couches? What would our camper look like then?
And sure, you might say that towing the Waldorf around would soil the purity of a camping vacation, but to that we adopt the standard rich person response of, “How dare the impoverished speak to us.”
The words “off-road” and “luxury” are generally two we avoid saying in the same sentence, but truer words have never been spoken in the case of EarthRoamer’s XV-LTS. Based around a Ford F-550 chassis, this turbo-diesel, four-wheel-drive, all-terrain scream machine looks like it could haul a five star restaurant up a 90° incline. It’s solar and battery-powered; doesn’t need any propane or an annoying gas generator; and can carry 90 gallons of water, 90 gallons of fuel, has a 900-mile range, 1,200 watts of solar power, and a 12,000-watt battery bank. As if that deal wasn’t sweet enough, the one-piece molded composite camper body also features a full luxury interior that can comfortably sleep up to four people. When they say “Earth Roamer,” they ain’t kidding. $280,000
Tonke Classic Woodline Fieldsleeper Int.
The Fieldsleeper Int. from the team at Holland-based Tonke is perfect for us. We love when classic styling meets modern technology. The chassis is based on a brand new, bulletproof Mercedes Sprinter 519Cdi with all the fixings, and features electrical jacks, full solar power, massive battery banks, air conditioning, large-capacity water tanks, etc. But it also features impeccable classic styling, including real mahogany wood-grain interior and exterior, classic-styled seats and sleeper beds, etc. It’s the perfect mix of old school cool and new-age comfort. The Fieldsleeper Int., their top of the line model, is also the only one that’s available outside of Europe, so we’re kind of backed into an expensive corner. $168,223
It might look more like a post-apocalyptic extraction vehicle, but the Unicat TC-59 is the absolute ideal rig for medium-sized groups looking to make the world their bitch. Based on Unicat’s very own Terracross, it’s powered by a 5.9-liter motor that puts out 310hp and over 950lb-ft’s of torque, is built to go anywhere and everywhere, and can comfortably sleep four people. It’s also completely fucking burglarproof (something the manufacturer specifically points out), comes with a full kitchen and shower, and has a enough supply storage to last a family for two to three months. Oh, and this monster has a top speed of 80mph. It’ll cost you $600,000, but we’d say it’s worth it. $600,000
Action Mobil Desert Challenger
What does $1.75 million of luxury in a 30-ton package look like? The answer is the Desert Challenger by Action Mobil. Based on the design of a Patriot Missile Launcher but decked out to look more like a luxury suite at a Vegas resort, the 600hp Desert Challenger features an 8-wheel-drive power train; holds over 600 gallons EACH of fuel and oil, over 150 pounds of compressed air, and a 1,000 kWh battery pack; features an all-stainless steel kitchen with walk-in freezer; hydraulically driven lateral extension that can make the living area 5 feet wider; and has enough space for at least four people. $1.75 million
The KiraVan is another no-limits all-terrain RV that can pack as much punch as you want it to. Based on a Mercedes-Benz Unimog U500NA tractor with a turbo diesel V6 putting out 260hp and 700lb-ft of torque, it holds 170 gallons of diesel and has a range of over 2,000 miles, storage for enough food and water to support a three-person crew for three weeks, its own independent HVAC system, an entire communications system, 150 gallons of fresh water storage, and more diesel-fueled (and solar) power banks than you could ever know what to do with. There’s no confirmed price, but expect it to be in the double-digit millions of dollars. If you have the cash for it, you can have what any reasonable person would consider the baddest RV in the whole world. Oh, and it comes with its own fucking dirt bike. Because sometimes you just need to get away. $Way more than the others
Was the Mercedes-Benz Zetros designed with military and disaster relief situations in mind? Sure. Has it also gained traction as the camper to end all campers? You’re goddamn right. Powered by a 7.1-liter engine that puts out 320hp and over 900lb-ft of torque to a 6×6 drivetrain, we dare say there’s nowhere the Zetros can’t go. And when you’re not plowing through the Earth’s toughest terrain, you can lounge in a top-shelf luxury interior, complete with Bose surround sound, leather and rare woods, multiple flat screen displays, Internet access, satellite-ready communications, two battery banks, a diesel-operated generator, storage for 600 liters of fuel and 300 of water, and enough storage in the back for a full-sized ATV. There’s no firm number on the price, but we’ve heard rumors of it costing up to and more than a million smackaroos. $1 million
Global Expedition Vehicles UXV-Max
It’s almost laughable to write that one of the more practical options on this list starts at $650,000 and is based around either a Ford F650/F750 or a International WorkStar chassis. UXV is short for Ultimate Xpedition Vehicle, and while we couldn’t call it the ultimate RV, we would say it comes pretty damn close. The best part is that each UXV and UXV-Max are self-contained and completely customizable, with options spanning to wed or dry bathrooms, kitchen spaces, power supplies, bike racks, motorcycles, sleeping for four (or more, if needed), extended range fuel and water capacities, storage, and everything else you need to make the open and not-so-open road your bitch. $650,000
Tiger Adventure Vehicles Siberian 4×4
Edging out EarthRoamer’s XV-LTS to take the “most affordable” tag on this list, the Siberian 4×4 by Tiger Adventure Vehicles is practical, affordable (you know, comparatively), and completely and utterly badass. It’s based on either the Ford F550 or Dodge Ram 5500 chassis, which are built to take on jobs far more stressful than camping. The insulated all-aluminum coach body includes a king/queen bed, AC, an L-shaped couch (that folds out into a double bed), its own drinking water filtration system, a full bath, flatscreen TV, a wardrobe, a full kitchen complete with refrigerator and two-burner diesel stove, beautiful bamboo cabinets with shelving, and honestly anything else that you can think about. If you want it, it’s probably here. $248,500