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How to Pick Up a Woman Like Your Grandfather Did

How to Pick Up a Woman Like Your Grandfather Did

Dating in the 21st century is weird. Flirting is done through swipes. The proverbial look across the bar is exchanged via tit-for-tat Instagram likes. The traditional first date Q&A is played out before eyes ever meet, all from a quick Google session and a Facebook name search. It’s actually pretty lame.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, women resort to online dating apps because they’re bored with the real-life comedy routine that is modern dating. Women want real-life interactions. They want eye-locking intrigue. They want old school. They want to look back 60 years from now and be able to tell their grandkids something better than, “I remember the day your grandfather and I swiped right…”

Here is How to Pick Up a Woman Like Your Grandfather Did:

Be Polite

For all the women that are going to skeptically read this article (Hi Mom!) and wonder about our intentions, we decided to make step one simple. There’s no need to be a macho tough guy or a posturing prick. Women—and most people, really—appreciate jovial, lighthearted conversation. No need to impress her with your workout routine or your tax bracket. Be cordial and polite, and work from there.

Know What She’s Drinking. Order With Confidence.

We hate to say it, but interactions with women are, in a sense, just like job interviews. Aside from knowing about yourself, it’s always best to know as much about the company for whom you’re interviewing before walking into the lion’s den. That said, look at her glass and see what she’s drinking. Or, if you can’t call it, politely ask the bartender, in a totally not creepy way. Hell, at the very least, a free drink certainly never hurt anyone’s chances.

And when you are ready to order your own drink, do it with confidence. If you can’t even get “dirty gin martini” right, how the hell do you expect to ask her what her name is?

Shake That Ass

No, not her. YOU. Learn how to dance, and don’t be afraid to capitalize on it. The exception to the rule here is if you try learning how to dance and discover that you really, really can’t cut it. In that case, do yourself a favor and hang back. If we weren’t trying to get you into the Thunder Dome this evening, we might tell you to “dance like nobody’s watching.” Only, everybody will be watching, including Ms. Right. So try not to look like too much of an idiot, because there’s no faster way to get yourself friend-zoned faster than being too goofy.

Know The Golden Ratio

Girls don’t really like a 100-percent hardass, but they also don’t like someone who doesn’t know how to be serious and say what he wants. When in doubt, just remember this ratio: 25 percent confident and self-assured, 25 charming and lighthearted, and 50 percent low key. Play your cards close to your vest, and never let them see you sweat.

Be Firm and Resolute, But Not Assertive

Know what you want, and don’t be coy about it. Nobody likes aggressive and assertive, but nobody likes a ninny, either. The difference between the world we live in today and the world your grandfather forged out of bare rock, raw steel, and balls the size of cantaloupes, is that in this world, women are allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want. If you see things going well and the vibe is mutual, do your damnedest to make it happen without being a creep.

Talk Less

We know what you’re thinking: “But wait! You just told me to be polite and friendly. How can I do that and talk less?” Well, who says you have to talk a lot in order to be friendly and inclusive? Have you ever experienced the grief of looking back on a situation where you were nervous and saying, “Ugh, why did I say that? Jeez, what was I thinking?” Well, sometimes it’s better to simply speak less. Be conscious of what you’re saying at all times, and try not to come down with a mean case of diarrhea of the mouth.

Hold Her Door Open, Pull Her Chair Out, and For the Love of God, Try Not to Stare at Her Tits, You Idiot

We figured it’d be best to save our most old-school suggestion for last. When was the last time you pulled a chair out for a lady? Well, damn it, that’s your whole problem. Little things like holding a door open, pulling a seat out, allowing her to order first, etc., are all exceptional ways of demonstrating you’re not a Neanderthal, and that you know how to treat a woman.

Not staring at her rack? Well, that’s just good form, old chap. Save that stuff for later.