You know, we see tips and tricks articles for Instagram all the time. Usually, they have boring-ass titles like, “6 Super Duper Ways to Totally Crush it on the ‘Gram” or “10 Foolproof Ways to Kick Your Instagram Up a Notch” or “Here Are 10 Tips to Make Your Instagram Less Pathetic, You Pathetic Nerd!”
But what about those of us who want to have a crappy feed? What about those beautiful goddamn disasters among us that don’t care about quality, carefully curated content? What about those of us who want to suck?
Well, finally, here’s an article for you! Here are 9 Solid Tips For Taking the Worst Instagram Pictures Ever!
All Kelvin, All the Time
Clarendon is the number one most popular of Instagram’s roster of filters, not just in the United States, but the world over. It’s followed closely by Juno, Sierra, and Gingham. But Kelvin—ahh, good ol’ Kelvin—is at the bottom of the barrel. One of the oldest filters in the lineup, we’re not sure we’ve ever actually seen someone use this trash can of a filter. Well, that’s about to change! If you want to completely ruin a photo with absurdly loud saturation and a massive orange-yellow hue, Kelvin is perfect for you.
Stay Away from Warm or Inviting Tones. No one likes cheerful.
Of all the popular filtered photos on Instagram, report after report has demonstrated that the most popular and well-liked content tends to include filters that incorporate warmer tones that elicit a feeling of cheer, warmth, and joy. So we’re going to go ahead and say screw all that hippity dippity bull shit. Ditch the warm tones and go for black and white everything, and/or a careful balance of black and white and cold and blue.
More Tilt Shift!
Everybody loves a narrow depth of field. But what if you have no idea what depth of field is, or how to control it on your phone? Don’t worry, bud! The Instagram gods have given us Tilt Shift, a feature that selectively blurs out different aspects of your photos. It makes absolutely zero sense the majority of the time, and makes your photo look tackier than a public bulletin board. And because you love to suck, this is exactly the look you’re going for!
Max Out Those Levels—Saturation, Contrast, Etc.
Now that Instagram changed its algorithm to favor well-liked content, you’re going to have to do everything you can to stand out and make a statement. Rather than take high quality, wonderfully composed photos of awesome things, max out that brightness and saturation, make those colors pop, and make things look clear with the contrast dialed up to eleven. Remember—the ugliest kid in your grade school still stood out in a crowd!
Composition is For Losers and Big Dumb Idiots
Could you take the time to actually learn the art of photography from like, an actual teacher? Could you learn yourself the Rule of Thirds, balancing elements, and leading lines? Sure you could, IF YOU WERE A NERD.
You look at photos every single day! Those guys don’t do anything special, so neither will you. Just point, shoot, and post. Composition is for people who overthink things.
Shoot Vertical Photos
If you’re looking for a surefire way to make your followers absolutely cringe, treat your Instagram like a Worldstar Hip Hop video and shoot your photos vertically. Why? Well, aside from completely screwing up the flow of your feed, you’ll also significantly crop the top and bottom ends of your snap (because Instagram doesn’t care about them). Neat, right?! Let’s go ruin a perfectly good photo!
Take Pictures of Every Meal You Eat—With The Flash On
You don’t need to be Anthony Bourdain in order to make some good food. Remember that Hamburger Helper you whipped up last week? Or how about that time you made those scrambled eggs? That shit was bomb! Show everyone your culinary prowess by photographing every single thing you eat. And don’t forget your flash—there’s nothing more appetizing than being to see the fat glistening on your macaroni and cheese!
Use Your Camera’s Zoom!
You scored tickets to the big game, and when you see your favorite player, you can’t help but snap a picture to blast on your feed. But you’re all the way up in the stands, and they’re all the way down on the field! So, what’s a guy to do? Zoom, baby. Zoom. Will it make your favorite player’s jersey number and name completely indiscernible, while making your photo look like something shot on a Nikon Coolpix from the early 2000s? Sure! But who cares? You were there, you saw your favorites, and now everyone else will know it—kind of!
Always Shoot in Direct Sunlight.
If a little light flare can work for J. J. Abrams, it can work for you! If you want to make your photos interesting and stand out, shoot everything you can with the sun directly behind it, and give it that flare everyone keeps talking about. Seriously, the more flare, the better. Take a quick pic of an American flag in direct sunlight, toss the Kelvin filter on that bitch, and prepare to collect more Instagram Points than you know what to do with.