What do Mel Gibson, Uma Thurman, Sigourney Weaver, and Clint Eastwood have in common, other than Oscar nominations? At one point or another in their careers, they all played second fiddle to a badass weapon. It might have had a blade (or three), buttons (don’t push the red one), or been fictional, but they all left us wanting as they left trails of blood, acid, or body parts in their wake.
Smith & Wesson Model 29 (.44 Caliber) – Dirty Harry
When Clint Eastwood introduced us to the Smith & Wesson 44 Magnum (artistic license with the actual S&W model and the barrel length) is was the most powerful handgun in the world and would blow your head clean off. Due to the power of the gun, there are issues with recoil (target re-acquisition is difficult) and over-penetration (this is the only time over-penetration is a problem in life), it is not a practical gun for police use. This of course is what makes it even more badass. It may only have six shots, but you only need one… per person. Since there always happens to be at least six people around that need killing, every day is Dirty Harry’s day.
The Wallace Sword – Braveheart
You know what separates William Wallace (as portrayed by the ever-oppressed Mel Gibson) from his sword? Two inches. The Wallace sword is five foot, six inches long and Mel Gibson is five foot, eight inches tall. (Just for reference, the blade is wider than that at the hilt.) While they’re badass together, removing the ICP costumed hero only makes the weapon more badass. Weighing in at roughly six pounds (depending on hilting, binding, and plommet) and spilling the bloods of hundreds – if not thousands – it truly is a blade for the ages. Unfortunately, it’s currently housed in a pretty glass case at the Wallace Monument near Stirling in Scotland. When the inevitable zombie apocalypse comes, it will be the first thing stolen.
Zorg ZF-1 – Fifth Element
The ZF-1 may be named like a fighter jet, but “toolbox” would have been much more fitting (Must have been a copyright dispute with Hasbro.). This thing has a titanium recharger, a 3000 round clip with bursts of three to 300, which with the Replay Button (another Zorg invention), the operator can fire one shot and, by pushing the Replay, sends every following shot to the same location. The ZF-1 also contains a rocket launcher, an arrow launcher with exploding or poisonous gas heads, a net launcher, a flamethrower (Zorg’s personal favorite), and the “Ice Cube System.” It is also equipped with a self-destruct button, is usable ambidextrously, and breaks down into four parts for easy passage through X-Ray. Oh yeah, and it transforms. The only question is, who’s a hotter co-star for a transforming weapon – Megan Fox or Milla Jovovich?
Power Loader – Aliens
Versatility is the name of the game when it comes to the real life version of Exo-Squad. You can load boxes, missiles, do leg lifts, and fight big ass Queen Aliens. You are kind of limited to the claws, but do you really need a sword, gun, or chainsaw when you have an enormous exo-skeleton? No, you don’t. In the event you can’t crush your enemy with sheer hydraulic power alone, just pick it up and throw it out the nearest airlock.
Klingon Bat’Leth – Star Trek
Translated from Klingon (It’s amazing what kind of resources you can find on the Internet), bat’leth means “sword of honor.” The bat’leth (it’s hard to call it a sword) was created by martial artist and effects producer Dan Curry and it’s badass. So badass in fact, that you can actually buy them online for a couple hundred bucks. What’s the only thing more badass than one long bladed weapon? Multi-bladed weapons. It worked for lightsabers, why wouldn’t it work for sword-like weapons? It’s like they combined all the features of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle’s weapons into one super weapon.
A note: The bat’leth picture above is actually the oldest, most baddest ass of all the bat’leths – The Sword of Kahless. Cool Material isn’t the local news; we’re not going to misattribute a badass weapon to some local 7-11 capers.
Vera – Serenity
In the ‘Verse, Vera is Jayne’s favorite gun. What’s so special about this gun? It’s a Callahan fullbore auto-lock with a customized hair-trigger and a double-cartridge thorough gauge. In reality, it’s a modified (with mostly bolt-on parts) Saiga-12 Kalashnikov-pattern 12 gauge combat shotgun. It’s a gun so powerful it is capable of bring down spaceship sized electric nets. Vera has a following almost as large as the ‘Verse itself and is so popular that it’s in Halo 3: ODST. Unfortunately, that’s probably as close as anyone will ever come to Vera, but we can all dream.
Lightsabers – Star Wars
It is impossible to talk about badass movie weapons without talking about the elegant, civilized, meter-long, surgical, energy blade. It’s a regular Billy Mays interactive dance of death infomercial with its limitless cutting possibilities, cauterizing, and shiny colors. It hums, it cracks, it does everything but pops. Oh yeah, it also deflects laser blasts. The iconic presentation of primary color in a PG-13 format isn’t just great film, it’s badass.
Hanzo Sword – Kill Bill
Hattori Hanzo crafts the finest Japanese steel products in the world; no, he doesn’t work for Toyota. Hattori Hanzo is the merchant of death that Nic Cage wishes he was in Lord of War. In light of this, he vows to God to never produce another sword. Until Uma Thurman comes along and talks him into folding his greatest creation yet. She then proceeds to paint the town red. If she were to have encountered God on her quest; God would have been cut. The blade on this badass weapon is almost as fine as its wielder.
Chainsaw – Evil Dead
Chainsaws have quite a few different users: artists, loggers, Tree Surgeons (Yes, really.), and Ash from the Evil Dead series. Most of those people use the gasoline-powered, motorized, bladed bike-chain of death to do things involving trees. Ash has other ideas, chief among being the dismemberment of demons, people, zombies, and anything else that makes the mistake of pissing him off… even if that something happens to be his own hand. Besides, opposable thumbs are so much less efficient than a chainsaw arm. Yeah, it throws parts in every direction and makes a huge mess, but that’s what being a man is all about. Groovy.
BFG – Doom
BFG stands for Big Fucking Gun. Big. Fucking. Gun. Without a long discussion into the science of how it works (if it even exists) it shoots a big ass ball of plasma that vaporizes everything in sight. Sure, you might have to deal with a movie starring The Rock – sorry, Dwayne Johnson – but even the two hours of visual waterboarding is worth it for the BFG. Now, you could endure that, or you could just go play the videogame and tear Hell a new asshole yourself – one big fucking gun at a time.
