When used appropriately, hot sauce is one of those accouterments that can take an ordinary dish to new heights. The right hot sauce can compliment damn near everything. But when hot sauce is used inappropriately, it can make you want to tear the roof of your mouth out. There are some hot sauces out there that are so mind-bogglingly hot that we really, truly, and legitimately cannot fathom why anyone would ever tempt fate and try them.
Here are the 7 Hottest Hot Sauces You Can Buy. Why? Because some people just want to watch the world burn.
Mad Dog 44 Magnum
Okay, we feel like we need to put this into at least a little perspective. Mad Dog 44 is an extract sauce that clocks in at over 4 million SHUs. The pepper spray that law enforcement officers use to spray people is typically rated at anywhere from 2.5 to 4 million SHUs, which means voluntarily putting this stuff on any of your food is basically like volunteering to let a cop mace you in the mouth. Or, if you think like us, it gives you complete and utter authority over your food. Next time your eggs start protesting about political candidates or Monsanto, just pull out your bottle of Mad Dog 44 Magnum, put it on the table, and let your eggs know what time it is. And then immediately go seek help, because eggs can’t talk, you freak. $38
Pure Evil 9.6 Capsaicin Drops
The hottest hot sauce on our list isn’t even actually a hot sauce. It’s pure Capsaicin drops. It’s tasteless, odorless, and is essentially just heat in a bottle. At 9.6 million Scoville Heat Units, with no actual seasoning or taste, we can’t figure out why anyone would ever buy this stuff. Like, do you have a death wish? Is this the best/worst food prank in a bottle? Why is the sky blue? We don’t know the answer to any of these questions, and we especially don’t know why you’d put your body through a drop of this stuff. But there it is. $30
We were going to write a whole thing for this 7.1-million Scoville Heat Unit hot sauce, but we think this small excerpt from one of the many Amazon reviews should suffice:
“My pupils must have doubled in area. My knees buckled. No one around me could understand the agony I went through past my teary blubbering and groans. The first bite had a profound effect on my senses as the world faded around me, but would only become more intense with time.” -Thunder Turtle
This taste bud-singeing sauce extract clocks in at a terrifying 6 million SHUs and, aside from a slight hint of ginger and tropical fruit tossed into the mix, contains caffeine and ginseng. Why? Because it wants to set your face on fire and literally make your heart explode. They don’t outwardly market it as such, but there’s seriously no logical explanation for it. We imagine a couple drops of this on the tongue probably taste like a luau, but a luau in Hell. A Helluau. $15
Z Nothing Beyond
This extract sauce by CaJohn’s is actually the only entry on this list that won an award (not for its ability to melt a literal hole in your toilet, but for its taste). Despite its ungodly 4-million SHU heat classification, the Z Nothing Beyond sauce was the winner of the 2004 Golden Childe Best Tasting Extract Sauce. So if you’re looking to singe your eyebrows off but also potentially enjoy the burrito you put it on, this sauce may very well be your huckleberry. $12
Pepper Palace Hottest Hot Sauce in the Universe – 2nd Dimension
According to the folks at Pepper Palace, there are over 40 pounds of ghost chiles in every single batch of this death-defying hot sauce. When we say “death-defying” we mean 3.5 million SHUs, which is as hot as the surface of the sun. We were lying about that last bit, but seriously, one drop of this stuff could probably be enough to give you heat stroke. Okay, we lied again, but God damn it, this stuff is hot. Let’s just leave it at that. $20
CaJohn’s Mongoose Hot Sauce
On the CaJohn’s website, the product description for this 3 million SHU hot sauce begins with, “It’s kind of like a ‘kick in the groin’” and, honestly, we believe it. Made with Ghost and Fatalii chiles, and named after an animal that kicks the shit out of venomous snakes for fun, we seriously can’t understand why anyone would ever hurt themselves by ingesting this stuff. Like, is there a safe word? We feel like there really should be a safe word for this hot sauce; something like, “Oh God why for the love of Christ did I do this to myself?!” $17