When did Red Bull become such a faux-pas? It mixes well with vodka, keeps you up all night, and is available everywhere. Never content with stagnating, the beverage market (and associated movie stars, rap guys, and douchebags) has reinvented the wheel with some ridiculously absurd energy drinks.
BLOOD Energy Potion $6
Let’s be honest, this energy drink only exists because of Twilight, and once more, Robert Pattinson is to thank for the death of society as we know it. For added authenticity, it comes in a transfusion bag that is resealable! You know, just in case you happen to have an IV stand laying around.
BLOW Energy Drink Mix $3
BLOW (the drink mix) will never be successful in America. Why? Because a nation addicted to caffeine isn’t willing to do extra work for their fix because you can’t snort it, you have to mix it with a different liquid beverage. Apparently, you can also regulate the amount by mixing more or less into your drink. Obviously. The real question is, how jittery will you be when you crack it open and pour the entire bottle in a can of Red Bull?
Bong Water $2
Sweet, innocent Michael Phelps, why did you have to smoke pot and ruin your “role model” status in this country? Dear parents, it could have been worse, he could have been Robert Pattinson. Apparently this Bong Water IS safe to drink, and will even give you Olympic Strength. Unfortunately, it won’t give you the “o” face Phelps has in that picture…or his physique.
It’s slightly cheaper than Red Bull and has three times as much caffeine. The name was also so controversial that the FDA banned it. Of course you can still buy it as “Insert Name Here:” so even the FDA can’t keep the little guy down. Free market economy in action. This stuff really does wake you up though, but only because it tastes like liquefied fiberglass. Use with vodka at your own discretion.
With three ! in the name it has to be good, right? Well Lil’ Jon loved it enough to put his name on it and the rest is history. According to Lil’ Jon’s “people” (Writing his own product information is about as believable as Lil’ Wayne playing the guitar.), “Crunk” is bold pride, ridiculous parties and endless energy. Endless energy, as long as you’re willing to shell out $2 per can.
Deep Throat $3
Much like Neil Patrick Harris, this energy drink is X-TREME, but the XXX variety. Vin Diesel, or Ice Cube for that matter, are preferable to this drink. Sure, they got a good name, and we’re crazy enough to buy it based on that alone, but it won’t really “keep it UP all night.” At the end of the day, it’s more fiscally responsible to invest in one tiny blue pill and a Red Bull than the sixty-nine cans of Deepthroat you would have to buy.
Another rapper energy drink? Really? We only tolerate rap music because we might catch a glimpse of one of the hotties ubiquitous to the “pimpjuice” lifestyle. Rappers having energy drinks is like David Beckham having a new hairstyle – it probably already happened, you just haven’t heard about it yet.
Pussy Natural Energy $5
“The name Pussy shocks and demands attention.” Ya think? While you’re at it Pussy, why don’t you slather some more Ed Hardy-esque graphics on the can; Christian Audigier is always looking for another endorsement deal. How is it that in a nation of feminists this drink hasn’t been banned yet?
Assuming that’s not enough, it’s endorsed by MTV.
Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt $2
“When Steven Seagal finished creating a drink that
holds untold natural power, there was only one equivalent in nature – The Steven Seagal’s Lightning Bolt.” Ok Zeus, whatever you say. Untold natural power? What’s next, Jean Claude VanDamme’s Sonic Boom? Actually, I would totally buy Sonic Boom.If, for some reason, you decide to go find Lightning Bolt, don’t forget to pick up Mr. Untold Natural Power’s musical albums.
Sum Poosie $4
BevNet, the distributor of this fine concoction has this to say, “why on earth did anyone come up with a product like this? Well, we have no idea either.” It’s obnoxious and it tastes “pleasant.” If you’re shelling out $4 a bottle (until Lil Poosie comes out anyway), it had better taste fan-fucking-tastic. Stick with Pussy because at the very least they didn’t spell it wrong.
Who*s Your Daddy $3
Don’t expect to find the answer to that question at the bottom of the can because it isn’t there. Just another cold, empty feeling, but then again, you’re the one that went looking for answers in the bottom of a can. Don’t you know the bottle is the place you should be looking?