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While we used to recall the adventures of Ahab, now upon seeing a whale we immediately think one thing: Twitter is down. Next time you get the ole Fail Whale and you can’t access the best of Doug Benson’s #SideBoobSunday or the latest celebrity death rumor, take the edge off with a cold one cracked open with the Goodly Whale Bottle Opener. The handmade, silver plated brass bottle opener adds a bit of childish fun to your adult drinking habits and makes for a better opener than any freebie you got at the last Quizzo night from some shot girl.

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Ah, the waffle weave. Looks cool, feels great, reminds us of toasted Eggos. You’ve seen them before–probably in a fancy store or hotel–but Parachute’s brand new Waffle Towels are different. They’re spun using innovative Aerocotton Technology, which basically means they’ll be dry by the time your significant other finally gets out of the shower and realizes you stole their towel. Parachute’s Waffle Towels come in two sizes and two neutral colors. Plus, their 100% cotton construction means they start soft and only get softer with time. Even Kevin McCallister would approve.