Men’s fashion is in a pretty good place right now. Don’t get us wrong, things are on the cusp of getting weird with the man bun thing and, yes, bucket hats should have stayed in the 90s where they belong and, well, sure, coffee shops across America are being packed with men who look a little too much like extras from a Wes Anderson film… But, on the whole, we’re doing OK for ourselves, and that’s really all that matters.
But we didn’t get here without plenty of trial and error. A lot of error. So much error. Here are 10 men’s fashion trends that should burn in hell forever:
Socks with Sandals
Some of you are reading this and saying, “Come on, guys, you can do better than that.” And maybe you’re right. But remember one thing: If we stopped reminding people about the horrors of wearing socks with sandals, history would be destined to repeat itself.
From what we understand, bikers first popularized the chain in an effort to prevent their wallets from being lost on the open road. That actually makes a lot of sense. But sometimes, when practicality meets fashion, things can get pretty nauseating. So unless you’re jamming around with Jax Teller and the Sons of Anarchy crew, or you’re on your way out to Sturgis, leave the chain where it belongs: the trash can.
It is said that trucker hats were popularized in the ’70s and ’80s by blue collar-types like farmers, laborers, union workers, and ^gasp^ truckers, because they were cheap, practical, and made great giveaway and promotional items. Why they were brought back and popularized in recent history is beyond us, but we really, really wish they hadn’t been. Thanks a lot, Ashton Kutcher.
Ed Hardy Clothing
The millennium. What a time to be alive! The world survived Y2K, millions of adolescents were downloading *NSYNC records on Napster, and MySpace top 8’s were destroying friendships across America. But you weren’t sweating that noise, because you could tuck your feelings right in the back pocket of your JNCO Jeans (along with a cooked ham, a skateboard, all of your text books, your Hanson CDs, and a small dog). Huge with skateboarders, mall rats, and people who liked bands like Limp Bizkit and Slipknot, these jeans were our generation’s bell-bottoms. You’re a bigger and better person now—unless you click this link to JNCO’s new website, BECAUSE THEY’RE BACK AND JUST AS AWFUL AS EVER.
You and your bros like to crush 30-packs of Bud Light out on the beach, but you also like to play golf and surf and drink champagne and have bonfires… Actually, your life sounds pretty badass. Keep doing you, player! But make 2016 the year you find yourself some new shades.
Dress Suit Vests Over T-Shirts
OK guys, we’re pretty sure we know exactly how this horrendous men’s fashion faux pas came to be: You were in H&M and you saw one of their dress vests for 20 bucks. Then you saw one of their poly-cotton t-shirts on the same rack (because why not, right H&M?), and you fell under the impression they go together. But they don’t. Dear God, they don’t.
Slouch Beanies in the Summer
Everyone reading this is probably guilty of this relatively low-level fashion infraction. Hair gets long, combs become exhausting, and you decide to give the ol’ beanie a go. Well, unless you’re hitting the slopes or are wearing a jacket to match, you should reconsider. There are plenty of more comfortable and far less ridiculous-looking ways to cover your unruly mop.
Speaking of ways to cover your mop, bucket hats are in the process of a huge comeback, and we here at Cool Material just wanted to take a brief moment to remind all of you that these are an ugly, tacky, terrible idea, and should remain in the early 2000’s where they belong. You looked dumb in them 15 years ago, and you look dumb in them now.
“Man buns,” “top knots,” “lazy buns,” “awful”—whatever you call them, they’re the latest in men’s hairstyles, and we kind of don’t understand why. Hear us out, fellas: Women like men with beards. They like guys who can be in charge. They like guys who know how to navigate their way through a treacherous world. But they also like guys who can be emotionally transparent. They like guys who can accessorize. And, apparently, they like guys with topknots. Our point is that women have no idea what they want, and you better stop trying to figure it out.