What does a sociopath need to blend in seamlessly with society? If we’ve learned anything from Dexter we know that a killer apartment and a car with ample trunk space are a good start. It also doesn’t hurt to bring in donuts to make people like you. Once you’ve nailed the role of friendly neighborhood blood spatter analyst it’s time to perfect the art of killing. We’ve been taking notes from Dexter and came up with some essential serial killer gear that Dexter would approve of.
Kill Uniform Henley Shirt
When you’ve got plans for the night, you better dress to kill. Literally. We’re not really sure why Dexter always wears the same long sleeve brown henley shirt. It could be because it helps him keep a low profile, it’s easier to keep track of which shirt might have traces of evidence on it or it could just be because he thinks it looks cool. Get the official Dexter Kill Uniform with Dexter embroidered on the sleeve.
Forensic Blood Spatter Kit
Even if your day job doesn’t involve blood spatter forensics, it’s useful to understand crime scenes so you can cover your tracks.
Edible Blood Slides
The Dark Passenger demands blood and after performing the neccessary ritual every serial killer has some kind of trophy or momento. In Dexter’s case he keeps a box of slides containing his victim’s blood. While we’re not sure where to get a hold of blood slides this side of a forensics lab, we have a much sweeter idea. Make your own edible blood slide suckers made of sugar and red food coloring. They may not satisfy your urge to kill, but they certainly satisfy your sweet tooth.
Isotoner Leather Gloves
Obviously if you’re going to be skulking around, breaking into buildings and taking out your victims you need a great pair of leather gloves to keep your prints off of the crime scene. This pair of Isotoner Mens Water Resistant Leather Gloves are great for keeping water or other fluids out of your gloves while you work.
Discreet Black Duffle Bag
Packing up all of your murder weapons and tools in a huge bright bag might raise some flags, but a plain black gym bag flies under the radar. It also doubles as a great bowling bag.
Leather gloves are great for the breaking and entering aspect of what Dexter does, but latex gloves come in handy during the more surgical aspects of the ritual.
Whether your on the job as a blood spatter analyst or trying not to contaminate your crime scene Tyvek coveralls have got you covered.
Biodegradable Black Trash Bags
Among the things dearest Dexter has taught us, one of the most important is how to dump a body. He would have Miguel Prado believe that a fresh grave is the way to go, but we’re privy to his secret. Chop up the body and place it in six weighted biodegradable trashbags and dump them in the ocean. It goes to show that just because you’re psychopathic killer that doesn’t mean you don’t have to think about the enviroment.
You’d have to be in forensics to have access to etorphine hydrochloride but at least we live in a world where anyone can order a syringe online. Take down your victims silently with the right dose of M-99 injected directly into their neck and have all the time in the world tie them down to a table in your kill room.
Speaking of kill rooms, you better not just stab your victim in the middle of an empty traincar without covering it with plastic. A sly serial killer knows that the best way to avoid DNA evidence is to cover in plastic wrap. It’s also a great way to tie a body to a table.
Make sure when securing your victims to the table that they can’t break free… you don’t want another Lil’ Chino on your hands. That’s why it’s a good idea to use Duct tape on those bigger dudes.
Sticking with Dexter’s MO you’ll need to remind your victims of what landed them on that table naked under plastic wrap. A Wireless color printer will let you quickly print photos of their victims wherever you are when you decide it’s time to strike.
If you’re going to slice of your victim at a remote location you’re going to need some decent job site lighting. Although we’ve never seen Dear ol’ Dex use the Gorillatorch, we think it would be his lighting of choice. The gorillatorch can be set up anywhere thanks to flexible magnetic legs and it fights nicely in a duffel bag.
Any serial killer worth their salt knows that it’s not about justice, revenge… it’s a deep dark need that burns inside and it demands the ritual. Dexter’s ritual involves carefully slicing his victim’s face to collect a sample of their blood. And you can’t just use any old knife for such a task—the cut has to be precise. Perhaps the most terrifying part for the victims is when Dexter calmly slices their face with a surgical scalpel and gingerly places a drop of their blood on a slide as casually as someone would pour a cup of coffee as the start of their morning ritual.
Not only did Harry teach Dexter the code, but he taught him how to handle a set of hunting knives. The Game Butcher set makes a great starter kit for serial killers with blades, a meat cleaver, and a saw in one convenient carry case.
Once your urge has been satisfied it’s time to get rid of the evidence, starting with the arduous task of chopping up and disposing of the body. That’s why you need a powerful saw on hand to cut through body parts quickly and quietly. The Hitachi Reciprocating Saw has a unique “swing” action that cuts through limbs faster. It’s also water resistant so those pesky bodily fluids won’t damage it. Can’t you just see the infomercial with Dexter smiling over a neatly chopped of corpse urging you to call now?
So you’ve got your saw, your knives and all the plastic wrap a serial killer could need… but where do you put it all? Unless you have the audacity of Trinity who gives away his murder weapon you keep them tucked away in a safe place. A sturdy trunk that you can lock should do nicely, although preferably one with a false bottom in case a snooping wife gets a little too close to your secret.
If you’re going to be dumping bodies off of your boat in the bay, you’re going to need a cover. Fly fishing in the Biscayne Bay seems perfectly reasonable, so you better get yourself some fishing gear. No one expects you to catch anything, but you better at least have a rod if you’re going to be spending so much time out on the ol’ Slice of Life.
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