The 10 Douchiest Sports

douche

Everyone knows that sports have douchebags (A-Rod, Canseco, Bonds, et al.), but what about douchebags that have sports? This list represents bad ideas, failed attempts at reviving childhood activities, and sheer retardedness. These “sports” can, and will, make you a douche. If you plan on partaking, don’t forget to pop your collar so the rest of the general public can avoid you at all costs.

Just remember, just because a hot chick looks good doing it doesn’t mean you will.

beerpong

Beer Pong

Dear adoring Beer Pong fans, they already invented something that involves drinking copious amounts of beer – drinking copious amounts of beer. If you need a game to tell you to drink one sip of Keystone Light you aren’t a true college student, you’re a douchebag. Leave Bozo buckets where it belongs, in your childhood.



cornhole

Cornhole

With a name like cornhole, this should be pretty self-explanatory. In case it’s not, here’s the breakdown. Bags, baggo, cornhole, tailgate toss is now apparently the game du jour of any place that serves alcohol. The only way you could look like a bigger douche is if you were playing hacky sack. Or if your socks matched your cornhole.



crew

Crew

Where do rowers get off calling their sport crew just because it involves multiple people? Hey guys, they have a name for people who do the same sport together – it’s called a team. It’s a boat and you’re rowing, how is that a sport? Is it really so complicated that you had to go and invent complicated sounding bullshit words like coxswain and scull? You guys probably all wear Polos when you “crew” too.



goldentee

Golden Tee

Who plays Golden Tee? That guy. That guy plays Golden Tee. Apparently $0.25 a hole was all he could afford. If you’re going to play video games while drinking, there had better be a plastic instrument involved.



croquet

Croquet

Sports should, by default, involve no more than two pieces of mandatory equipment to play. Basketball, football, and baseball all adhere to these rules – which is why they’re popular. By the time you finish the setup for croquet you’re four beers deep and you just want to pop your collar and rock some bozo buckets. Also, your gramma plays croquet. Croquet is only good for one thing, providing you with mallets to use as weapons against zombies.



polo

Polo

Sporting this t-shirt oxford bastard child has become a status symbol for pure douchebaggery.  As if that wasn’t bad enough, there’s a sport too.  A sport that involved croquet… and horses. You know increases the douchebag factor of anything? Doing it on a horse that isn’t gasoline powered.



bowling

Bowling

Here’s a great idea – Let’s get 12-20lb marbles and roll them down polished wood to knock over a bunch of pins. Then we can institute some arbitrary, confusing scoring system to just to prove who is a bigger douche. Oh yeah, you can play it in the dark with strobe lights and luminescence too! Raving is more of a sport than bowling.



curling

Curling

Not since your pet rock collection have you paid this much attention to (or polished for that matter) a piece of the Earth. (Don’t worry, your anti-green status is safe with us.) What do you get when you combine figure skating, brooms, and shuffleboard? Nothing worthy of being in the Olympics.



archery

Archery

At least skeet shooting involves guns so it demands some amount of respect. Bows and arrows? Are you five? This is why man invented the gun. If you aren’t using your craft project to kill animals (Ted Nugent is of course excluded), you’re just 100% Grade A douche.



dmb

Anything Involving Dave Matthews Band

Finally, the catchall. If you are doing anything worth doing (sports or otherwise), it will be far too entertaining for Dave Matthews Band.  Make sure that The Space Between you and Dave Matthews Band is a big one.

By Related Items: Articles, Features, Humor, The Roundup.


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  • offended

    how are you going to confuse drinking games with d-bag sports

    badminton?
    darts?
    shuffleboard?
    race walking?
    platform tennis?

  • disgraced

    This website is a douche. I used to enjoy coming on here and checking out the new gear, once in a while purchasing something exciting and new. Now posting stupid shit like this and having every other entry part of your “round-up” has created something completely useless to me and I’m going to assume a lot of men out there.

    And race walking is AWESOME! .. kidding.. seriously, get back to being cool material. one fan is now gone

  • dude

    number one is just like, your opinion man.

  • 48.837.12.058

    I don’t know about archery, what was the standard ranged weapon of choise before the invention of gunpowder? Wouldn’t you have to take wind, and lanuch angle into account, compared to just pointing and pulling a trigger? It’s almost like saying someone is a douche for skeet shooting, when a Tsar Bomba like weapon would be just as good…

  • http://www.makeyourownpheromones.com Michael

    half hearted attempt to be entertaining

  • jason

    how could bowling possibly be on this list? everything else makes sense (except for curling because i’m canadian), but bowling?! that’s a fucking mans sport! the only douche bag around here is whoever wrote this article.
    and that popped collar fag.

  • Tom

    bp, bowling, archery? wow fail article