Rock Band: Badass ‘Stache Edition

staches

In the long list of badass things you can do as a man, all (mullet excluded) pale in comparison to sporting a wicked ‘stache, lady tickler, soup catcher, mo, or fanny duster.  The ‘stache is such a mythical and powerful tool that it is the instrument of choice for the Rock Star – when it comes to looking badass – and picking up chicks.

Let’s face it, chicks dig the manliness of the stache. You know what else they dig? A sensitive side. You might not have one, but you can fake by fighting Cancer. That’s right – FIGHTING. CANCER. Movember wants you to help fight Cancer… one mustache at a time. Bar fighting may impress your buddies, but Cancer fighting impresses the ladies. You probably won’t end up with a badass ‘stache that rocks as hard as Zappa’s, but you have to start somewhere – so put the mo back in Badass Motherfucker.

rbtest

crosby

David Crosby

David Crosby is not to be trifled with. Look at the distant-gaze, the emotionless eyes, and the weathered skin. Or just look at the hair-bat growing on his face. Would you want to meet that thing in a dark alley? He’s some combination of Clint Eastwood, Batman, and Gallagher – the result of which is pure badass. So badass, in fact, that he was selected by Melissa Etheridge to donate sperm for her lesbian lovechild. Had to be the ‘stache.

nugent

Ted Nugent

What can be said about Ted Nugent that hasn’t already been said by Tila Tequila? Surviving Nugent may have been possible, but surviving that soup catcher is not.  The only thing crazier than Nugent’s grab-hold-and-ride-my-face-to-the-barn ‘stache are his eyes is nothing. That ‘stache is going to jump off Nugent’s face, and hunt you in his backyard – and your dreams.

stipe

Michael Stipe

It’s so bushy. It wants to be pet. Somewhere, in some freak scientific experiment we never heard about, Steve Zissou was crossed with a walrus. The result of which is the Space Invaders mustache you see hovering (for who knows how long) on Michael Stipe’s face. Michael Stipe’s fanny duster is so incomprehensibly badass that it chose to be the polar opposite color of the rest of his facial hair.

hughes

Jesse Hughes

Jesus Christ, how does any food even get into his mouth? That mo eclipses his face hole in the same way that ivy engulfed Wrigley Field and Adam Savage stole his fame. Eagles of Death Metal may be awesome, but Jesse Hughes will forever be known as a badass ‘stache with a side of Adam Savage. Sorry Jesse, your ‘stache was too badass for just one persona.

burgundy

Ron Burgundy

Sweet. Lincoln’s. Mullet. That ‘stache is epic. Why is Ron Burgundy on this list? Because jazz flute bleeds Rock N’ Roll and that mo is pure coiffed upper lip kevlar. If you don’t like it, “I’m Ron Burgundy. Go fuck yourself, San Diego.” Badass.

mercury

Freddie Mercury

Freddie Mercury didn’t die of AIDs, the sheer power of his face Equator simply devoured his physical essence. This particular ‘stache is so undeniably powerful that it divides the Northern and Southern part of one of the greatest rock vocalists of all time. The mo + Freddie Mercury = Real Ultimate Power. You didn’t actually think “We Are The Champions” was about sports, did you? If God hadn’t intervened by rendering this ‘stache inert, it would have already taken over the world.

allman

Duane Allman

Has anyone seen Duane Allman? There’s some badass medieval looking weapon of hair in that picture where his face should be. The Soup Nazi would be out of business if this thing ever came calling because that ‘stache is so ridiculous it casts shadows on Allman’s neck. If Allman’s protective hair shield wasn’t taken from us prematurely, it would have likely consumed the slide guitar god.

bono

Sonny Bono

It may look like this scruff is part Dad, part Pedobear, but it’s full on badass. Sonny himself may have given up on the rock star lifestyle for politics (which probably involved more sex and drugs) but his mustache kept on rockin’.  Face it, if you could grow something that badass on your face you would praise (insert deity of choice). Not to mention the fact that this tickler was used (to great effect) on Cher’s naughty bits career. You can’t fuck with that, but he did.

zappa

Frank Zappa

Two words: Toyota Trucks.

toyota

This mustache is so badass that not only did a major car manufacturer make it their off-road logo, the Zappa ‘stache is actually Copyright Zappa Family Trust. That is one imperial mo.

Bonus Content:

Yeah, it’s not a super secret disc with Eminem and Dr. Dre tracks, or even a ‘stache growing How-To, but it will give you an option to support Movember. Movember held their MoArt gala in New York City to raise awareness (and dollar bills) for the cause through Mo-Inspired art. While the event was closed to the public, there are three pieces available for purchase through eBay.

NYPD – Jamel Shabazz
Current Lover. Future Enemy – Rick Lee
Untitled – Diane Barcelowsky



By Related Items: Articles, Features, The Roundup.


Shop+Sponsors



Comments are closed.