NORML Marijuana Use

By Ben Dahl

Can lead to: losing your keys, getting a good night’s sleep, ice cream, and time travel. Federal prosecution policies for medical marijuana were loosened on Monday by the Obama administration from the previous noose-like policies of the Bush administration.

However, The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws (You thought it was a spelling mistake, but you were wrong.) and other pro-pot activists caution the public that, “Now we’ve got to figure out what these words actually mean.” Apparently in California they practice what they preach.

According to scientific evidence, it is also as versatile a medicine as fuck is a word in that it can be used for just about anything. It can be used as a veritable panacea for: Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome, Alzheimer’s, Anorexia, Arthritis, Cachexia, Cancer, Chronic Pain, Depression, Gastrointestinal Disorders, Glaucoma, Human Immunodeficiency Virus, Menstrual Cramps, Migraines, Movement Disorders, Multiple Sclerosis, Muscular Spasticity… you get it. That list is alphabetical (obviously), and there are still thirteen letters to go.

Marijuana also supposedly cures Friday Movie Night, doldrums, and will probably make your girlfriend more interesting (at the very least make you forget about it).

In other news, the East Coast v. West Coast “Gangsta” War ended when the whole of Bad Boy Records announced they would be moving to California to pursue “other interests.”