The US dollar is worth less than your POGS collection. Our professional sports are more drama than anything else. All the other countries in the world appear to have much hotter WAGs. But if there is one thing that we truly excel at, it’s drinking. America may not be at the top of the list of Most Drunk Countries right now but that’s only because we’re all seasoned enough to not kick the bucket from something named waragi and the World Health Organization data doesn’t factor in American creativity, thirst, and complete lack of shame. Here’s some of the ways we use our best qualities to their greatest effect – getting absolutely shitfaced in public.
Beer Belly – $35
It’s the Sam’s Club of public drunkenness. Not only do you get to surprise some hottie with your sixer, you get 80oz (yes, two whole 40s) of beer. And you thought there would be no reason to hide those abs after you got ripped.
Diet Coke Wine
The only real way to drink box wine is Always Sunny style – out of a Diet Coke can. Sure it stains your lips, but so do popsicles and until someone figures out how to make wine popsicles you’ll have to settle for Diet Coke.
Sneaky Shorts – $20
This is one adult diaper we would have no problem wearing. Apparently it would be too obvious and over the top to be able to pee beer into your cup so you’ll have to deal with it coming out your pant leg.
Beer Wraps – $10
Mmmmm Clown Tears. Reusable vinyl wraps to put on your beer cans. If you need an instruction manual you aren’t trying hard enough.
Barnoculars – $20
Want to really improve your view of the game? Screw the Jumbo Tron, pick up some Barnoculars because they’re way better than tv. One side of gin, one side of juice. Problem solved.
Stadium Seat – $30
Not only will it keep you comfortable, it’s the only product on the market capable of making a U2 concert bearable.
Exlin Camera Flask – $15
Why carry a camera when your phone works just fine for drunken blackmail pictures? Point and shot, end of story.
Wine Rack – $30
Do we really need to explain why a miracle bra made of booze is awesome? At least by the end of the night you’ll be so smashed from drinking from her cans that you won’t feel so lied to.
Kooler Club – $50
Fastest way to improve your golf game? Screw golf lessons, and adjust your buddies BAC. Guaranteed to bring a hole in one to accessible levels. But only on the course, you’re not Tiger Woods.
The Good Book Flask – $25
Spiked grape juice? In a pinch even that will do. Jesus was drinking wine all the time anyways. You think if he was here he wouldn’t be drinking at home? That’s what we thought.
Reef Dram Sandal – $45
And they said getting blitzed never took you anywhere productive. Walking home from the bar doesn’t mean losing your buzz.
Pocket Shots – $2
It’s the adult version of Capri Sun and much easier to open. It’s also a hell of a lot easier to conceal in your bag, at the club, and – most importantly – in your desk than a bottle.