Fauxbitutainment is the entertainment, however fake (hence the faux part) that people take in celebrity deaths. Obitutainment (No. Really. If Jon Stewart says it’s a word, then so be it.) was good, Fauxbitutainment is better. Why? Because celebrity death hoaxes are hilarious, and no one actually has to kick the bucket. All hoaxes will be rated on creativity, effort, and response on a sliding scale of 1-10 – or of our choosing.
We all know that record numbers of celebrities take the plunge at New Zealand’s Kauri Cliffs (Tom Hanks, Tom Cruise, Jeff Goldblum), but what happened to all the other forgotten stars? Let’s start with the attractive young woman you see above.
Paris Hilton – June 2007
While doing hard time in the Los Angeles Twin Towers Correctional Facility (Dennis Leary is rolling over in his grave) for her “alcohol-related” reckless driving charge, she was stabbed. “Unnamed sources from within the Lynwood medical ward tell CNN that Paris received two wounds to the chest, one to the back, one to the throat and three to the abdomen.”
First of all, aren’t celebrities supposed to get off on alcohol related charges? It’s not like she was doing coke… Anyways, Mike Burke was so upset that Paris Hilton’s being jailed wasn’t getting front page news coverage that he created the fake news story.
Creativity – 7
Effort – 8
Response – 0 (She’s still alive.)
Total – 50%
Napoleon Die-namite – January 2005
John Heder met his untimely end only one month before he appeared on Jay Leno. Rumors circulated that died from a drug overdose (crack or cocaine) or in a car accident caused by a deer. His friend Mike McHill (identity cannot be confirmed or denied) over-corrected and drove the car off a steep TEN FOOT embankment and rolled the car “three or four times.”
Ten feet, even vertical, is not steep and embankments are usually sloped. Also, even a Smart car (These didn’t exist and Jon Heder wouldn’t fit in one) can’t roll three or four times in ten feet.
Creativity – 0
Effort – 0
Response – 0
Total – 0% Whoever created this rumor is awarded no points; may God have mercy on your soul.
John Heder gets points for his response – “Yeah, and apparently it’s not true.”
Zach Braff – Tuesday
On Tuesday, the Internet was abuzz with rumors that Zach Braff was at the bottom of a canyon, and this time he was dead. The rumor was started by Chris Langella, who has since redacted his statement. Zach Braff decided to prove he was still animated (and hilarious) by posting a video response.
This is how it went down -
Chris Laganella: Zach Braff overdosed on some pills.
Zach Braff: I would never off myself with pills. If I had to do it, I would do it the way everyone else would do it – by hitting myself with pots and pans.
Chris Laganella: He was found in his 32,000 square foot estate in Beverly Hills
Zach Braff: Look, I’m not Oprah; that’s a big ass house. That’s like some Oprah shit right there.
Creativity – 2
Effort – 3
Response -4 (It probably took 35 seconds for him to edit the webpage after Braff’s response.)
Total – Douchebag of the day.
Creativity – Win
Effort – Win
Response – Win
Total – #Epicwin
Elvis Presley – Since 1977
He’s not dead; he just went home. Thanks for clearing that up Tommy Lee Jones, feel free to go make another bad Ashley Judd movie now. On an aside, Elvis’ hair is now up for auction...for around $12,000. People, live in the fast lane, not the past.
Justin & Britney – June 2001
They died in a car crash…with a pretzel truck. That must have been a ridiculous case of the munchies. Om. Nom. Nom. Then, fourth months later she died again. Wait for it…in a car crash.
Creativity – 8 (A pretzel truck?!?!?)
Effort – 7 (The guy hacked CNN)
Response – Meh
Total – 60%
Heath Ledger – 2008