What NOT to Buy Your Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day

Some Dudes just don’t have a clue. If She’s not dropping hints and you have no idea what to get her for Valentine’s Day this year…well…neither do we. We can, however tell you what NOT to buy your Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day this year…

Porn Bread

Homemade gifts are always the best (unless she’s a gold digger, in which case run now) but they usually go over better when they come from the heart and not your sick perverted mind. Even if she doesn’t share your appreciation for Porn Bread, she should at least appreciate how much effort you put in to making her a memorable gift.

STD E-Cards

While it’s not a bad idea to tell some random chick you hooked up with that you gave her the clap with an impersonal e-card, your girlfriend deserves something a bit more special… it calls for flowers at least, maybe chocolate.

Hello Kitty Slendertone

You might be sending the wrong messages with this gift. One being that she could lose a few pounds… and the other being that she’s got the maturity of a 9 year old. And even if she is *shudder* a Hello Kitty fan, do you really want to encourage that any further? This gift is just one of those things that shouldn’t exist let alone be on your V-Day list.

Penis Salt & Pepper Shakers

When you need to spice up your meals or your sex life give her Penis Salt & Pepper Shakers. The website says that they’re functional… we’re wondering HOW functional? Anyway, while your intentions may have been to make her think of you, this gift might leave a bad taste in her mouth. $175

Chocolate Bacon

This was really just something you wanted try wasn’t it? Chocolate is a cliche Valentine’s Day gift, but you might not score any extra points for this strange combination, unless she shares your love of bacon. In which case, make sure you give it to her WITHOUT taking a bite out of first. $8

LED Undies

Because sometimes red lace panties just aren’t flashy enough. Seriously, LED panties cross into an interesting and bizarre fetish that is sure to take off on select corners of the internet. It’s really hard not to imagine freaky low budget alien babe costumes to go along with these. And you can pretty much bet that porn flick is out there somewhere, we just don’t want to search for it.

Bittersweets Candy Hearts

Nothing says I hate you like chalky bitter candy. At least the messages on Bittersweets Heart Candies match their flavor. Some fun ones to give her “GAME IS ON”, “DO MY DISHES” and “DOG IS CUTER.” Be careful though she might fire back with “MOMMY ISSUES”, “P.S I LUV ME” and the dreaded “I WANT HALF.” $10

Stripper Shoes

If she was disappointed with the Stripper Pole that you got her for Christmas, maybe it was because you didn’t include the right shoes. So it might be time for you to do some extensive “research” and go on a quest to find the perfect stripper shoes to compliment your lady’s legs. It will be a long, perilous and of course, selfless journey, but it will be well worth the look on her face when you tell her what you endured to research the gift before you bought it. $50

Fetus Cookie Cutter

Creepy… or adorable? Okay no, just creepy. If she’s been saying she wants a baby, you can give her one of these to let her know that you’re not really dad material quite yet and that it might be a good idea for her to wait until you grow the hell up before you think about having kids together. $10

Fundies Double Underwear

Usually we hate made up compound words with “fun” in them… like” funderful”, but we’ll definitely make an exception for Fundies. Fundies Double Underwear are built for two and finally give you a reason to stop going commando. You’re bound to have a good time, assuming that your special Valentine doesn’t have issues with needing her space. $7

Gummy Anatomical Heart

Here’s a simple thing to remember about the way girls feel about hearts. Love heart shaped things are cute. Human heart shaped things are creepy. Although the Gummy Anatomical Heart has a yummy strawberry flavor, it might be hard to stomach its squishy gummy texture. $5

How to Keep Your Husband Apron

The How to Keep Your Husband Apron might look great on your gal, but coming from you she might not take the joke so well. And if you’re actually serious about it and think she needs to take the advice it offers, like “Watch Your Weight” or “Don’t Boss Him Around” then we hope you enjoy your stay in 1952.

Black Penis Candle

We can only hope that the Black Penis Candle is one of those candles that is actually white on the inside and just has a colored outer shell because watching it burn will be even more interesting. Okay in all seriousness there might be someone out there who finds this to be an incredible piece of erotic art, but we seriously doubt that it’s your girlfriend. $18

Love Egg Shaper

It’s nice to give her heart shaped things, but things that she can enjoy… not things that imply “make me breakfast woman!” The I Love You Egg Shaper is a better gift when YOU use it to make HER breakfast, not just give it to her with a dozen eggs. (Also makes great pancakes!)

Turn Me On Vibrating Panties

If you want to shift power in the relationship, you could always try to control her… ahem… sexually. While Turn Me On Vibrating Panties might not go over well at first you can try to sell her on the sexy dates where you’ll have your own fun little secret. If that doesn’t sell her, maybe you can compromise and trade her TV remote for the panties remote… On second thought, forget the whole thing.


The absolute worst thing you could do is get your girlfriend NOTHING for Valentine’s Day. If you’re completely out of ideas then why not at least get her something by getting her Nothing. Wait, what? Anyway what are you supposed to get the girl who has everything (aside from a generous boyfriend)? $6

Ilya Silver Dog Mask

Unless your girlfriend is into wild anonymous sex parties, stay away from erotic gifts like the Ilya Silver Dog Mask. This is probably way out of your league. You’re better off sticking to your “vanilla” sex life full of handcuffs and edible body lotion and you can go on giggling at your set of sexy foreplay dice.

Poop Senders

Your buddies might find this hilarious. She will not. Hopefully you don’t need too much of an explanation, but it’s pretty safe to say that poop is neither romantic nor appropriate. The EX-girlfriend on the other hand is fair game… $13

A real doll that looks “just” like her sister

Remember that fight you had last Valentine’s Day because you suggested a threesome with her sister? Yeah she dumped your ass quick. Try again this year with the new gf and get a Real Doll that looks like her sister so you don’t have to deal with that awkward conversation and you still get to live out your fantasy. Wait, this is a pretty bad idea too. Maybe you should stop asking girls out until you meet their sister.

8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt

Ever date a girl who wanted you to match your outfits? This is like that but for geeks. The idea with the 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt is if you stray too far from your love your “health bar” will drop and you’ll need to get close to them to recharge. If she’s into it you guys can look like total nerds together. Just be careful, she might use it to track you down if you stray. $25

USB Breast Warmers

It’s not that this isn’t a thoughtful gift (well thoughtful in the fact that you were thinking of her big breasts at the time) but realistically she’ll probably never use them, especially if she’s not glued to the PC like you are. And honestly, you’re better off if she doesn’t use them… and wears thin blouses.

Video Games

Take it from the band Tripod—you won’t make her very happy tonight if you buy her an Xbox. Even if she’s a gamer (you lucky bastard) there’s a good chance she just won’t see this as a romantic gesture. And if she’s not into games, well then you just broke one of the most basic rules when buying her a gift… don’t buy her something that’s really for you. It never works.

World’s Largest “Diamond”

She says size doesn’t matter, and hopefully neither will the amount carats you give her. But if you’re not sure how she’ll take getting the World’s Largest (fake) diamond, just make sure you’re wearing a helmet before you hand her the 8.4 pound chunk of glass. $200


If the kissing disease didn’t go over well last Christmas you can always try again and give her sperm! Sperm Giant Plush Microbe is a great way to let her know how you feel. You can use this gift to see how receptive she is of your… uh… love. $8


  • http://www.s2999.com Jen

    Am I a sad sad person if I suggested to my boyfriend that he should get me not a game, but an expensive item IN a game?

  • http://www.guidespot.com/guides/christmas_presents_gifts_girlfriend El Guapo

    Funny!! I made a guide like this for Christmas (although it wasn’t as extensive as yours). Kudos on your excellent research!


  • Kaitlyn

    If my boyfriend bought me an xbox, or even just a video game for v-day, I’d be naked in seconds.

    I also happen to think the health bar shirts are fantastic..

  • Rallie X

    I would love most of this stuff!!! With the notable exceptions of the poop and the real doll…although I can definitely think of a few people to send the former to, myself.

  • Matt

    As far as the apron…

    Girls, do you want your men getting fat and disgusting? Do you want them to boss you around? No?

    Surprise, surprise, we don’t want that either. No sexism here; only good, clean, all-American equality.

    1952. Sheesh.

  • Turd Ferguson

    I sent my gf flowers to her office and bought her 2 fleece pullovers that she has wanted for some time. We went to a concert in Atlanta on Friday night and had a great time. Yet, I did nothing “romantic and sentimental” like “go get her favorite coffee on Saturday morning” so she was kinda upset the whole weekend. I’m not the romantic type at all, I hate Valentines Day and think that its an overrated, commercialized holiday, yet, she loves it.

    So, we got back home on Sunday and I gave her the last gift that I had bought her, a book on the history of the UFC called “Blood in the Cage”. And go figure, she absolutely loved it and said that it made up for the whole weekend. (She loves UFC obviously.)

    I only wish I had given the book to her sooner.

  • http://www.myspace.com/that_awesome_chick_u_know/ rachael

    what woman in her right mind would NOT like the vibrating panties!?
    porn bread, well shit why not just watch a porno together?
    STD card?…well if you didnt test beforehand its your own dumb fault
    the hello kitty slendertone, yea that’s stupid.
    the salt n pepper shakers would be funny. but funny as in “oh they’re hilarious but noone else would think so” and they’d get packed away.
    chocolate bacon, is, just…kinda nasty. like is she pregnant? cuz that sounds like a pregnancy craving.
    the LED undies are actually cute. those and glow in the dark condoms would make for a fun night
    bittersweet candy hearts, if she doesnt have a dark sense of humor it would be the worst idea.
    what if she already owns stripper shoes? (some of us actually think they’re awesome!) i’d flip if i got stripper heels, hell i even know an awesome site, http://www.discountstripper.com
    i agree on the fetus cookie cutter
    those fundies look like a blasty blast…but what if you LIKE going commando?
    the gummy anamatomical heart would be the coolest hXc emo gift. chop down as you slash your wrists bitches.
    the apron is retarded.
    the penis candle? yea same as the salt n pepper shakers.
    the egg shaper is cute but really, i prefer eggos.
    nothing would be so funny.
    WTF is with the dog mask? what is it a step to being a furry?
    poop mail…potty humor is hilarious
    the real doll, hm you get one that looks like my non existant sister and i get one that looks like your brother. fair trade?
    the ring cup is awesome.
    the lifebar shirt is cute and if you’re a dork they’re the best. still no excuse to suck face in public.
    the breast warmers are just silly, really what guy doesnt enjoy his girl having highbeams from time-to-time?
    video games..no comment not a gamer but im not against them.
    the largest peice of glass would be awesome. be a great practical joke :D
    and the plush sperm you know thats actually cute

  • Alexandra

    What the hell kind of girlfriend wouldn’t want these gifts? I think they are hilarious. Girls are so dumb.

  • Megsbigstick

    Those penis shakers and the penis candle would be great for bachelorette parties!! I think I will use get one for the next girlfriend to get married!!! Some of these items are awesome! I would love a new video game (as long as its a good one!) Since nowadays they cost more than a bracelet or a necklace and at least you can play them together. Jewelry is nice but its only wore occasionally so its kind of a waste of money I only need one nice piece of jewelry from my man and its on my left hand! Funny stuff though!! where can I get the vibrating panties LOL I could definitely use a pair of those?!?!!