Some Dudes just don’t have a clue. If She’s not dropping hints and you have no idea what to get her for Valentine’s Day this year…well…neither do we. We can, however tell you what NOT to buy your Girlfriend for Valentine’s Day this year…
Homemade gifts are always the best (unless she’s a gold digger, in which case run now) but they usually go over better when they come from the heart and not your sick perverted mind. Even if she doesn’t share your appreciation for Porn Bread, she should at least appreciate how much effort you put in to making her a memorable gift.
While it’s not a bad idea to tell some random chick you hooked up with that you gave her the clap with an impersonal e-card, your girlfriend deserves something a bit more special… it calls for flowers at least, maybe chocolate.
You might be sending the wrong messages with this gift. One being that she could lose a few pounds… and the other being that she’s got the maturity of a 9 year old. And even if she is *shudder* a Hello Kitty fan, do you really want to encourage that any further? This gift is just one of those things that shouldn’t exist let alone be on your V-Day list.
When you need to spice up your meals or your sex life give her Penis Salt & Pepper Shakers. The website says that they’re functional… we’re wondering HOW functional? Anyway, while your intentions may have been to make her think of you, this gift might leave a bad taste in her mouth. $175
This was really just something you wanted try wasn’t it? Chocolate is a cliche Valentine’s Day gift, but you might not score any extra points for this strange combination, unless she shares your love of bacon. In which case, make sure you give it to her WITHOUT taking a bite out of first. $8
Because sometimes red lace panties just aren’t flashy enough. Seriously, LED panties cross into an interesting and bizarre fetish that is sure to take off on select corners of the internet. It’s really hard not to imagine freaky low budget alien babe costumes to go along with these. And you can pretty much bet that porn flick is out there somewhere, we just don’t want to search for it.
Nothing says I hate you like chalky bitter candy. At least the messages on Bittersweets Heart Candies match their flavor. Some fun ones to give her “GAME IS ON”, “DO MY DISHES” and “DOG IS CUTER.” Be careful though she might fire back with “MOMMY ISSUES”, “P.S I LUV ME” and the dreaded “I WANT HALF.” $10
If she was disappointed with the Stripper Pole that you got her for Christmas, maybe it was because you didn’t include the right shoes. So it might be time for you to do some extensive “research” and go on a quest to find the perfect stripper shoes to compliment your lady’s legs. It will be a long, perilous and of course, selfless journey, but it will be well worth the look on her face when you tell her what you endured to research the gift before you bought it. $50
Creepy… or adorable? Okay no, just creepy. If she’s been saying she wants a baby, you can give her one of these to let her know that you’re not really dad material quite yet and that it might be a good idea for her to wait until you grow the hell up before you think about having kids together. $10
Usually we hate made up compound words with “fun” in them… like” funderful”, but we’ll definitely make an exception for Fundies. Fundies Double Underwear are built for two and finally give you a reason to stop going commando. You’re bound to have a good time, assuming that your special Valentine doesn’t have issues with needing her space. $7
Here’s a simple thing to remember about the way girls feel about hearts. Love heart shaped things are cute. Human heart shaped things are creepy. Although the Gummy Anatomical Heart has a yummy strawberry flavor, it might be hard to stomach its squishy gummy texture. $5
The How to Keep Your Husband Apron might look great on your gal, but coming from you she might not take the joke so well. And if you’re actually serious about it and think she needs to take the advice it offers, like “Watch Your Weight” or “Don’t Boss Him Around” then we hope you enjoy your stay in 1952.
We can only hope that the Black Penis Candle is one of those candles that is actually white on the inside and just has a colored outer shell because watching it burn will be even more interesting. Okay in all seriousness there might be someone out there who finds this to be an incredible piece of erotic art, but we seriously doubt that it’s your girlfriend. $18
It’s nice to give her heart shaped things, but things that she can enjoy… not things that imply “make me breakfast woman!” The I Love You Egg Shaper is a better gift when YOU use it to make HER breakfast, not just give it to her with a dozen eggs. (Also makes great pancakes!)
If you want to shift power in the relationship, you could always try to control her… ahem… sexually. While Turn Me On Vibrating Panties might not go over well at first you can try to sell her on the sexy dates where you’ll have your own fun little secret. If that doesn’t sell her, maybe you can compromise and trade her TV remote for the panties remote… On second thought, forget the whole thing.
The absolute worst thing you could do is get your girlfriend NOTHING for Valentine’s Day. If you’re completely out of ideas then why not at least get her something by getting her Nothing. Wait, what? Anyway what are you supposed to get the girl who has everything (aside from a generous boyfriend)? $6
Unless your girlfriend is into wild anonymous sex parties, stay away from erotic gifts like the Ilya Silver Dog Mask. This is probably way out of your league. You’re better off sticking to your “vanilla” sex life full of handcuffs and edible body lotion and you can go on giggling at your set of sexy foreplay dice.
Your buddies might find this hilarious. She will not. Hopefully you don’t need too much of an explanation, but it’s pretty safe to say that poop is neither romantic nor appropriate. The EX-girlfriend on the other hand is fair game… $13
Remember that fight you had last Valentine’s Day because you suggested a threesome with her sister? Yeah she dumped your ass quick. Try again this year with the new gf and get a Real Doll that looks like her sister so you don’t have to deal with that awkward conversation and you still get to live out your fantasy. Wait, this is a pretty bad idea too. Maybe you should stop asking girls out until you meet their sister.
Ever date a girl who wanted you to match your outfits? This is like that but for geeks. The idea with the 8-Bit Dynamic Life Shirt is if you stray too far from your love your “health bar” will drop and you’ll need to get close to them to recharge. If she’s into it you guys can look like total nerds together. Just be careful, she might use it to track you down if you stray. $25
It’s not that this isn’t a thoughtful gift (well thoughtful in the fact that you were thinking of her big breasts at the time) but realistically she’ll probably never use them, especially if she’s not glued to the PC like you are. And honestly, you’re better off if she doesn’t use them… and wears thin blouses.
Take it from the band Tripod—you won’t make her very happy tonight if you buy her an Xbox. Even if she’s a gamer (you lucky bastard) there’s a good chance she just won’t see this as a romantic gesture. And if she’s not into games, well then you just broke one of the most basic rules when buying her a gift… don’t buy her something that’s really for you. It never works.
She says size doesn’t matter, and hopefully neither will the amount carats you give her. But if you’re not sure how she’ll take getting the World’s Largest (fake) diamond, just make sure you’re wearing a helmet before you hand her the 8.4 pound chunk of glass. $200
If the kissing disease didn’t go over well last Christmas you can always try again and give her sperm! Sperm Giant Plush Microbe is a great way to let her know how you feel. You can use this gift to see how receptive she is of your… uh… love. $8