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Orgasmatron 3000Everyone’s joked about it, but no one’s ever taken it this far… until now. The Orgasmatron 3000 is probably the funniest name anyone could think of for what’s basically just leather clad washing machine and saddle. Pick one up and she’ll be excited to rip your clothes off when you get home… so she can wash them. |
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Pussy FootFoot fetishes just got creepier, or more accessible, depending on how you look at it. The appropriately named Pussy Foot adds a new level of depth to foot fetishes. So if you’re a fan of delicate toes painted with soft pink polish but can’t find someone willing to let you do anything remotely close to THAT to her feet, then you may find this BETTER than the real thing anyway. $105 |
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Tenga EggThe incredible DOABLE egg? Apparently so. Everything about the Tenga egg is pretty disgusting. First of all, you’re putting your junk in an egg. Also, the lubricant it comes with looks like weird raw egg whites. While it is ridged for your pleasure, and admittedly that goop probably feels pretty nice, the concept seems a bit foul. $33 |
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I rub my DuckieYou might get away with keeping this little guy in your tub without anyone realizing what kind of bath time fun you’re really having. If you can get past the silly facade of this personal massager, I rub my Duckie makes a pretty powerful discreet vibrator that can arouse you without arousing suspicion. $22 |
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Anal Ring TossThere’s really nothing to say about this that adds to the hilarity of Anal Ring Toss. This customer review pretty much says it all: “I am always looking for new stuff to do with my boyfriend. Thank you anal ring toss!” $14 |
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Oral Sex LightThere’s clearly a joke about spelunking here somewhere. This might be a useful product if your puritanical upbringing makes you refuse to be completely naked in front of each other but you’re also not experienced enough to know what you’re doing in the dark. Too bad that you’re also probably Amish and technology and oral sex are both forbidden. Seriously what’s the market for this thing? $14 |
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The AccommodatorIt really doesn’t take a lot to imagine what the Accommodator is for… and if you can both stop laughing long enough to actually use it, then you’ll probably have a good time. Seriously, why are you staring at me? What? Do I have a dick on my forehead? Oh my chin you say? $40 |
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The Toy: Bluetooth Enabled VibratorIf you and your lady enjoy some sexy texting while at work, then The Toy was made for you. The Toy lets you arouse your women from afar giving 72,000 possible vibration variations from a single text message via bluetooth. So basically if you’re not that creative in terms of what you want to say to her, not to worry because The Toy does all of the work in making every text exciting and unique. We recommend that if your gal works with heavy machinery that you stay far far away from this. $257 |
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The HumiliatorThe line between hilarious and terrifying is drawn when you realize that this gag isn’t just a gag gift, but something that people in the BDSM crowd actually use. And the discomfort sets in further when you realized that the name “the Humiliator” implies an audience. But none of that will stop you from buying one as a joke for your buddy’s bachelor party while you rag on him about all the house work he’s going to have to do after he’s hitched. |
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Auto SuckThe Auto Suck plugs in to your cigarette lighter, but it may not be wise to drive while receiving fellatio, simulated or otherwise. That means that this device is MEANT to be used while someone else is driving… either your girlfriend is pretty open minded, your chauffer is a pervert or you mother really never instilled any sense of boundaries. $38 |
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Musical CondomAs if your neighbors need another reason to hate having to listen to you having sex, the Musical Condom will play louder and faster as you… get louder and faster. Fitted with tiny motion sensors and speakers inside the tip, the Musical Condom is still one time use only as far as we know. |
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Slightest Touch Electric ForeplayBased on some Chinese acupuncture techniques.. aw who cares? Are you really going to attach electrodes to your lover and not feel weird about it? Slightest Touch looks more like a weird science experiment than a sex toy. But hey, maybe that’s your thing. $99 |
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Baby Jesus Butt PlugIt may not get any more blasphemous than the Baby Jesus Butt Plug. If this is your idea of spirituality then you probably need some help. According to their website this little guy also makes a great dashboard ornament. We just ask that you only use it as one or the other, not both. $55 |
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Happy HoppersIt doesn’t get any more fun than bouncing and smiley faces… and dildos. An interesting twist on a toy that we never realized girls enjoyed THAT much, Happy Hoppers almost look innocent until you realize why there’s a 3rd handle. |
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HotdollFunny sex toys don’t just have to be for you, they can be for your best friend too! If you’ve got a little horndog humping your legs, then you might consider getting Spot a Hotdoll. We wonder if the company who makes these also makes leg shaped models for the dog who’s grown accustomed to his lifestyle. |
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